Friday, December 19, 2014

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?


'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'


(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin where it belongs
B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page
C) Move it to the children's section
D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP that wooden letters have been placed near crayons and transfers.
B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.
C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.
D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping down to his thong and tightening his ball gag.'

A) fumble, frumpit
B) curdle, milk
C) wallpaper, wall
D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1

'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.B) Captains log star date XXXLC) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1 

'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second
B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute although I did find STAR and BA
C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP
D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'


Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

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