In conjunction with the driverless car trials starting in the UK this week supermarkets are quick to jump on the bandwagon with driverless shopping trollies. In a UK breakthrough specially adapted power trollies will be made available at all supermarket branches from today. Simple to use you simply pull the back of the trolley forward revealing a small plastic sitting area and climb in. Press the button on the handle and your journey begins.
At a comfortable speed of 12mph you will be whisked up and down each and every aisle, lean out and grab items as you pass by and place them in the trolly basket between your legs. It couldn't be any more simple, if you miss an item remain seated whilst the trolly completes its circuit and starts again, you can ride the circuit as often as needed to complete your shopping. When you have finished pull the chain on the coin slot, turn it clockwise, place it into slot three and remove the triangle from slot six whilst holding down button seven and pressing pedal two, it couldn't be simpler! The trolly will then accelerate to sixty mph and whisk you to the nearest checkout. The sudden halt in speed will catapult all your groceries onto the conveyor belt and two automatic hands will forcibly remove credit cards and monies from your person for your safety until you have paid in full.
Have every assurance that our new driverless system is perfectly safe as long as you follow three simple rules.
1. Keep hands, feet, hair, items of clothing, digits etc in the trolley at all times and only use our special selfie sticks to lift products from the shelves as you pass by. Please note after several selfie stick jousting incidents any medieval buffoonery will not be tolerated. Also no standing whilst the trolly is in motion to reach the top shelves, several ramps have been placed to strategically launch your trolly, please use the ones provided.
2. Guide dogs must use a separate trolly and bark when the aisle and shelf is level with its owner. To make this simple all barks must conform to the doggybet. i.e. A = 1 Bark, B = 2 Bark's etc. All words must be barked clearly at all times so for example SALAD would be barked as follows:
19 Barks, 1 Bark, 12 Barks, 1 Bark and 4 Barks for D, 12 Barks for L (Left) and 32 Barks for second shelf (See bark per shelf chart)
3. Accidents do occur, if you are involved in an accident please remain seated or incapacitated whilst our automated ambul-trolly is despatched to clean up. You remain wholly responsible for your own safety and in no way will we be liable for croissant crashes or baked bean pile ups.
Enjoy your future shopping experience!
Today's blog has been bought to you by Future Crap Ltd, bringing you needless technology far too quickly without the thought of consequences and social integration. Why not try our new Smart televisions that record your conversations as text on a central computer or our low cost drones that record neighbours in full HD?
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www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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