Wondering what to do on these long dark nights? Why not join a club, there's loads to choose from, here's some of the best in your area.
If like us you love a good blow then join us every Monday night at Fluffers the ONLY place where fellow fluff collectors can air out their fluff and dust collections in friendly surroundings. Newbies welcome, we have courses running to help you blow better dust from behind cabinets, tops of door frames and even from under the bed and every third Monday of the month we hold our Dust or Dirt? competition with prizes ranging from bendy straws to blow in awkward places to leaf blowers for suck-blow experts. Kids can also join our junior dust club and learn the joys of lint, hair and crumb collecting absolutely free.
Joining requirements - £1.23 per person, members must carry at least twenty pieces of fluff at all times and adhere to our rules regarding fluff and dust identification. See rule number 1526.25 pt 2 Volume 4 for fluff clarification and acceptable collection methods.
What could be better than sharing the long nights with a new companion EVERY month? One that will show you unconditional love, not talk back or argue and never HOG the bed. You need Pig-Post(Tm) in your life where for a small fee we will send you lovingly wrapped each month a brand new pigpanion. Simply fill in your pig partner preference and our computers will do the rest and find your perfect piggy-panion. Want a noisy eater? no problem, our Linconshire Old Spot will fit the bill, need a bit more muscle, again, no problem, we'll send you a Tamworth in no time. Any colour, any age Pig-Post puts pigs in packets to post with our unique sty to door delivery service. From runts with grunts to probing porkers we have it covered.
Join today and take our Perfect Pigpanion test, only £99 per month. N.B. pigs are non refundable, we will send you a new pig every month under plain wrapper, to avoid embarrassment Pig-Post will not show on your credit card statement and will instead be displayed as Porking4Pervs.co.uk
Does life drive you nuts, it does us at Bonkers we inflate daffodils and trump down chimneys to bring you the best in Bonkers services. We offer a completely off the wall range of pastimes to fend off boredom and mundanity of real life. Join us on our cushion hunts on Snowdonia using real bananas, ski down our Birds custard slope naked with sausages strapped to your feet or take advantage of our weekly special and receive a lifetimes supply of alarm clocks strapped to cats.
2nd November - Bungee jumping in the bath
3rd November - Scuba diving in public toilets
4th November - Elephant juggling
Unfortunately we have had to cancel further events detailing the popular Strain And Drop after Arthur Donkeypoker filled a French letter with water and dropped it from a height of 75 feet into the toilet bowl at his local pub in an attempt to impress a member of the public in the next cubicle that he had done a 'Giraffe'. As Arthur grunted and let go he also slipped and followed it down, the resulting double splasher rapport burst the eardrums of the cubicles occupant who staggered out, trousers around the ankles only to find Arthur upside down in the urinals.
Price - Ace, ten, jack, Queen, King.
Join us on our latest collecting expedition as we scramble to the top of bus shelters and disused garages to retrieve those precious 'lefties'; discarded shoes, which we clean, feed and rehome in our extensive network of shoe fosterers until their rightful owners come to claim them. Have you lost a shoe? If so visit wwww.wheresmyshoe.co.uk and browse our shoe files or use the online identification chart. Register a bus stop to see the list of shoes found or simply browse our collection of success stories. Coming soon, www.shoesreunited.co.uk, find old shoes from your childhood, school shoes and shoes that have moved abroad.
Not lost a shoe? Not to worry, we now offer a comb finding service too at www.combhunters.co.uk
Coming 2014 - wwww.loosechange.co.uk
Joining fee - £1.05 per shoe search, comb searches carry a 10p surcharge.