With society on the brink of a moralistic collapse it's time to set things straight with Proper Etiquette, our bi-monthly course in how to talk real proper and do stuff correctly. In today's episode we tackle the thorny issue of public toilets.
Public Conveniences - Use Them Or Not?
When you have got to go you have go to go so unfortunately you will occasionally be in a position where they are unavoidable but a few handy pointers will help you tackle them like a native.
1) Remember, they are public toilets so do not take in reading material even if you are going for a leg numbing session. Instead read what you find in the cubicle, maybe an old discarded cigarette packet or the list of phone numbers offering you a good trembling, all make excellent browsing material without the need to carry a small paperback in your pocket for toilet time.
2) Keep the noise down. There is nothing worse than listening to somebody announcing when the train leaves the station and smashes into the buffers. Instead if you need to make some noise choose an animal according to the severity of your load. For example mooing like a cow is good for a 5mb download but for 10mb hot dogs dropped in the sea you need to to choose something a bit more manly like a walrus. Giraffes are good for long neckers whilst frogs are useful for any surprises. Roaring like a lion is only for the kings of the throne and should only be used when its stuck sideways. Loo Zooing as its called is now quite common so feel free to experiment with different animals out of your comfort zone.
3) Be flexible with hand driers. They are incredibly useful and fun, not only do they dry hands but if you are using one with a rotating head point it up and place your face in the blast. It's just like parachuting without the risk, apart from a healthy injection of germs, but hey, germs are good for you. If you take a few ping pong balls in with you you can load them in before you press start. Try to bounce them into urinals and cubicles, place stickers on each denoting score and keep a running total for extra fun.
If its a Dyson air blade it's advisable not to dip anything else in them other than your hands no matter how tempting. The have been known to remove objects with ease. Also no hand standing if your drier does not rotate, instead take a length of flexible tubing to attach that can be safely tucked into your trousers for a stimulating warm sensation.
4) Be aware of others. You may leave the door open at home but it's not the norm in public. Equally, opening the door as someone passes to tell them 'Give me a few minutes mate, I've got a barrow load to shift' is also frowned upon. The correct greeting upon flinging open a door whilst your seated is 'Want this one? I've warmed it up.'. Really the only time you can leave your door open is if your watching if your starter has arrived.
5) If all the cubicles are taken don't suffer in silence. Rattling all the doors will hasten any sitters, to really speed them up stand as close to the cubicle as you can so your shoes pop underneath the door, then make small scratching sounds with your nails before gripping the top of the door as though you are about to pull yourself up. They will be up and out before you know it.
6) The public is quite used to attention seeking after watching program's like Got Talent and that other wretched thing so join in the fun. Play The Voice game, upon entering any public toilet see if you can break wind in an impressive way to make four people turn around, variations of this game can be played on the bus, in a library or even during a wedding service. Toilet train is another game but for this you will need to be in an end cubicle. Unhook the toilet roll and holding onto one end roll it across the floor and under the other cubicles. See how many cubicle carriages you can roll it through before it either hits a sitter or other object.
Trendy people are turning to a new phenomenon, Boom Boxing. The idea is that the cubicle is your recording studio and you have been asked to produce the biggest splash you can. Participants are not allowed to drop foreign objects into the toilet so it's all about height, targeting and trajectory. Players have been known to take in furniture and even small step ladders to increase the solid boom. Scores are awarded by how many people are stopped in their tracks upon hearing the sound.
7) That's about it really, just remember the simple rule mirror, signal, manoeuvre upon exiting and check for excess baggage in the glove box, nobody thanks a toilet snail with its white tissue trail. Tomorrow urinal handstands and dealing with pizza deliveries to your cubicle.