Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Salty Sea Dog

I'm sat in bed limply trying to bash this out on my laptop after my cold decided to turn into a full blown fever yesterday afternoon. Not sure if it was blogging about cosmic cats or Colin the dog that triggered it but by 3pm I was well and truly joining them with my overheated brain and entered la-la land for a few hours.

So today, the first day in many, many years indeed, is an enforced duvet day.

I'm bored.

I can't stomach daytime TV, my head throbs too much to read and trying to rest just makes me think about working. So, instead of writing today's blog to the sound of pounding hammers in my head here's one I prepared earlier...

A long time ago in the late 80's both myself and Jayne were walking at dusk along the seafront in Blackpool, skilfully avoiding the staggering drunks and looking in dismay at the promenades festival of litter when an old salty looking seadog stepped out from the shadows of one of the piers and thrust a small booklet in my hand.

'10p gov'nr' he growled.

What can I say, I was naive, inexperienced in tackling with salty seadogs and possibly fearing some nautical based violence involving hooks and a demented parrot so I fumbled around my pockets and pulled out a piece of silver. Well, 10p anyway. It was snatched out of my hand with a practised swipe and he hobbled away on what I'm sure was a wooden leg. Come to think of it he smelt of rum too. Pirates of Blackpool Pier doesn't really sound exotic enough though does it.

I had completely forgot about the booklet and now looked at it through a fading light. Old Moore's Almanack for the year of 1987 that looked like this. Apart from the date obviously.
Published since 1697 and put together by Francis Moore who was a self-taught physician to the court of Charles II It was really quite amazing that it was still being published. Essentially it was a collection of tide tables, moon phases, a list of fairs and events, forecasts for farmers, fishermen and the like all topped off with its centre piece, a month by month prediction of world events. Not bad for 10p, I never knew things like this existed and the strange way it entered my hands almost made it more intriguing.

So imagine my surprise to find it still going strong in the digital age. Gone are the shady seadogs plying it's trade on promenades this time you can buy it everywhere, although the price of predictions like everything else has suffered and now costs £2.50 to be enlightened. OK, so it's like a drunken stab in the dark at times but it's a little quirky and now includes Lucky Dates To Play Bingo, The Thunderball Astro-Guide, Greyhound Racing Numbers, Gardening By The Moon (I kid you not) and one that we have been waiting for Lighting Up Times For Vehicle Lamps. Oh, and oodles of adverts that include a book on Sugar Spells, Candle Burning Rituals that will leave you amazed, one to buy 'The Book of Forbidden Knowledge' , the strangely out of place 'Plot, Pots or Growbags' the A-Z of growing Veg and of course Derek Acorah one of  three 'Britains' favourites advertising in the same edition.

I love this kind of thing and have nothing against anybodies beliefs but I was so inspired by Old Moore's I have decided to publish Old Smiths Tongue in Cheek Almanacky Stroligistic 2012, a predictive guide to your world right here on todays blog.

Several full moons this year falling on the cusp of Scorpios elbow and falls in Libras twelfth house will call forth a large pink hovering pig that will float aimlessly above Milton Keynes before spontaneously combusting during the Jubilee celebrations showering five counties with free bacon. A half moon in July in conjunction with Plutos Uranus square to Mars gives a distinct possibility of rain at some point in the month and I will even go as far to pinpoint it's location as somewhere in Scotland.

In April an ascending  New Moon hints at the possibility of a celebration accompanied by eggs, I cannot predict this exactly as I'm out on a limb with this but it will involve chocolate and a partial lunar eclipse shows two large ears and a fluffy tail. Only time will tell if I am correct on this one. July is interesting, I see five 'hoops' after studying Aquarius in a trine to Mars, the planetary picture is positive but I see little in the way of gold coming to the UK.

In August Virgo hits an all time high and it is revealed that Big Ben is actually Thunderbird 6, controlled by puppets in the adjoining Westminster. There will be a popular uprising and the puppets will be packed into Big Ben and launched high into the sky where, like a firework, they will explode. It will also be the month of Early Chrimbodosso where mysteriously large tins of Quality Street will appear in supermarkets throughout the land.

September will be a moonless month and revelations will appear to support claims that Roly, the dog from Eastenders first episode was actually Michael Flatley, a claim supported by the story line when Roly trampled (tapped danced more like) over Arthur Fowlers prized leeks in a bid to show off. It will also be revealed that cheese can now be made without animals using old socks and bits of melted recycled plastic, something they have been doing for years and the real reason for recycling bins.

December, I see nothing special about December at all.

Octomembersaur is a new month that will be introduced in 2013 to cope with the revelation that mathematicians have still not agreed to adding in the leap second. Calculated back through time we are now in the age of the dinosaurs and require a new month of 40,000 years to bring us back in line. New fashions will include stone clubs, square wheels and of course the iCave, a dwelling hewn out of solid rock.

Your Lucky Lottery Numbers Are - 12,25,23,35,38,39
All are guaranteed to come up!!!!*

*At some point, in some lottery and not in this order, use of these numbers forms a contract between me and you. All winnings above £1 must be shared with me.

So all in all 2012 looks to be an exciting year!**

**Predictions may vary from ones given and I predict they may even be completely different, which as a prediction is a pretty accurate prediction so my predictions are of course valid.


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