Any Old Iron

 I'm not sure if I'm detecting a slightly more sinister tone creeping into the little change your life supplements that have appeared recently. Normally they are full of stuff that other people buy and the words barge pole and wouldn't touch comes to mind but this recent one is a little more creepy.

It all starts promisingly with this wonderful toilet roll holder. Fine unless you pull off the last sheet only to find you need to do bathroom aerobics whilst seated to get the remaining spare rolls up and off the top after removing the old one. It all looks a bit of a cuffufle, I'd have visions of struggling, overbalancing and cracking my head on the wash basin only being found in a puddle later not knowing who I am or why my trousers are down. See? It all starts really well so what's next?

Ahh, lets inject a bit of terror into any journey by describing in lurid detail how in the most embarrassing fashion your luggage could be mistreated enough to split and disgorge it's contents of underwear during coach tours, transfers or even on the airport carousel. Problem solved, a handy double lock strap that includes your name. I nearly bought one when I read the scary line '...wondering if it has burst open on the way to the hotel'.

Personally I'm more concerned that the plane lands safely and the wings don't fall off, the coach driver has not been certified criminally insane and is convinced he's on his last journey to hell and he's going to take everyone with him, that large man that is sat next to me doesn't dribble as he is now asleep and leaning on me or when I open that little bag of nuts on the plane I don't cause it to explode and shower it's contents liberally over seats 4b-22a and watch a myriad of strangers picking nuts out of their hair.

Straps on cases are the last thing on my mind.

This is the spooky gizmo though, for £99 you can have your own surveillance system for you car that constantly records everything on the road, it even has night vision. As the blurb states and I quote '...if there's a dispute about who's at fault, things can turn nasty. Enjoy the protection of the ultimate reliable witness'

All this of course is designed with the fact that it wasn't your fault, I can image a quick erasing would follow if you inadvertently rammed a few stationary cars in the car park or bounced the occasional old person across your bonnet. Not quite sure how it fits in a magazine full of portable loo's (keep one in the car it suggests, Spill-proof too!), fiddle free phoning on a mobile phone with keys the size of house bricks, mattress stain removers, micro hearing aids and a rather unattractive 'media' cabinet to hold all your CD's and video cassettes probably next to your laser disc collection and 8-tracks.

But then again, for incontinent, short sighted, deaf video watchers maybe it's a boon and if you are really lucky you may get some excellent 'happy accident' footage worth £££, then you can really go to town and afford that Ear Cleaner you have been hanging your nose over.