It's Monday so it must be the return of Top Tip Tapir, get through the day with these life changing ideas.
If you have trouble waking up in a morning take short naps at work when nobody is looking, that way you will feel bright and refreshed when you get home and will be able to stay on Facebook until the early hours of the morning. Repeat as necessary.
Shave a coconut and stick the coconut hairs to Sellotape, voila, an instant wig for bald cats at half the price.
Instead of watching the news channel in a morning simply read the obituaries in your local paper, it's far less depressing.
Blend lard, milk and food colouring for an amusing thick shake just like the fast food restaurants do it. As it contains calcium it's healthy too!
Hang on, what's this I have found?
Stop the Top Tip Tapir this is far more interesting, I didn't even know things like this existed!
Wow, a professional government Top Tip leaflet, must have some sound advice to offer.
Lets have a look, Short Duration Work, max 30mins. Not long is it and as it doesn't tell you how long to wait in between using a ladder theoretically you only get thirty minutes your whole lifetime. That's safety gone mad if you ask me. Start saving your ladder minutes up you never know when you will need them. Firemen must have an awful time, 'I'm sorry Miss I can't rescue your cat from the tree I only have two minutes ladder usage left and I was saving that for a real emergency'
Light Work up to 10k. But I'm heavier than that does that mean I can't use a ladder or do I have to send up a small child instead? It's like Victorian child chimney sweeps all over again, you will be telling me next to send all under fives t'pit to sort through t'muck.
Ladder angle 75 degrees, 1 unit out for every 4 up. I didn't know ladders we so technical, no wonder I have been falling off them so much, from now on I will stop placing them flat with the wall I'm climbing up and thus avoid landing on my back still gripping the ladder again. Well I never.
Always grip the ladder when climbing. Ah, I see now, so none of my precarious balancing I do, does that also mean I can wear better footwear instead of the ballerina slippers I normally use for grip? Additionally do I still need my tightrope balancing pole now I can use my hand as it currently restricts the number of bricks I can carry in my hod.
Make sure your belt buckle (navel) stay within the stiles and keep both feet on the same rung during the task. I tried this, firstly my first task to climb the ladders failed as I placed both feet on the first rung and realised I would have to break this rule to continue. When I did break the rule I spent most of my time checking my navel was kept in line and failed to stop at the top after looking for an arrangement of steps that allow people but not animals over a fence. I was found in a twisted heap two hours later, I never did find the stile.
Do not work off the top three rungs, this provides a handhold. We have a foot stool that has three rungs, does that mean I cannot use it any more? If so that means I will never be able to reach the soup tins in my kitchen or change a lightbulb ever again. I was going to use a chair instead but after reading your guide 'Top Tips For Correct Chair Usage' It informed me to use a ladder instead of a chair for reaching high places. I'm confused, you do not have guidelines restricting sitting on a foot stool, what's going on?
Whilst we are at it what is your stance on staircases? I'm worried than I'm positioning my navel wrong and gripping the handrail unnecessary when ascending whilst descending has become more difficult as I get older because nobody has informed me not to come down on my bottom as I have done since a child.
Please send me more guidance, I would particularly like to see guidelines on 'Common Sense - Where Has It Gone?', 'Its All About Me - Achieve Happy Selfishness' and one I have really been waiting for 'Sod It, Last One Out Turn Off The Light - A Guide To Modern Britain'.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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