Stuck what to do on this special day? Here's a few sure fire ideas to get you romantically revved...
1. Anything pink is a good bet, so a trip to your nearest pig farm is sure to be a hit. Be sure to make plenty of references and hints to having a romantic night by using the word 'porking' but avoid the word 'porky' unless of course you are referring to your bacon sandwich you thoughtfully packed along with the bubbly.
2. In ancient times horse dung was used as a deodorant, indeed during the 16th century horse dung and watercress salads were all the rage just like horse lasagna today. Treat them to this special 'history' meal and serve this historic dung cress salad with a side order of blue bottles a la sauté.
3. Go Valentines serenading. On your own, in a bush, naked, just watching, outside your valentines house. Very little singing involved.
4. Drive somewhere romantic like the Tipton refuge tip, point out the seagulls and rats, search through the garbage together looking for a ring you have pretended to hide. Fall into each others arms as the noxious gases overcome you both.
5. Go to the cinema, watch Les Miserable, cry in each others arms, buy the biggest card possible and have it presented at the end of the film. Write inside 'You make me les miserable xxx' suggest they turn to prostitution to pay your evil inn keeper then storm the barricades outside JBSports in protest. Cry. Go home alone.
6. Become your valentines fantasy partner, choose any character from Pokemon and dress up as them. Suggest they join in by dressing up as Arthur Mullard in a thong riding a donkey. 'Get it on' by sharing photographs of 1950's e-class shunter steam engines and discussing the plot of any Star Trek episode.
7. Visit a restaurant on valentines day so they will be impressed that you have wasted money on inflated prices. Further compound it by buying a single rose for £15 instead of a bunch the rest of the year for £10. Allow yourself to become one with valentines by also purchasing any cuddly toy clutching a heart, pink bubbly, a helium balloon that says 'I Love You' and a box of overpriced chocolate.
8. Promise your valentines the ride of their life, blindfold them and whisk them away to a secret location. It may take a while but eventually they will warm to a Sedgeway.
9. When you write your card include this romantic verse...
Roses are grey,
Violets are grey,
I'm a dog,
Lol.
They will be putty in your hands.
10. Not really sure this one will work but hey, here goes...
Buy a nice tasteful card and write in it what you really feel for them, be thoughtful and courteous throughout the day, any special little surprises are always nice to include but make sure you have plenty of time for each other. Listen when you need to, support when it's required, always be there everyday for that special someone in your life. Be truthful, reliable and loving, every day not just for valentines.
There, not quite sure how that's going to work but hey, it's nearly valentines day, so good luck!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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