Ho hi maties my name is Captain Birds Eye, you may remember me from my adverts on jaunty boats advertising fish shreds covered in a luminescent orange crispy coating, some may remember me from half moon shapes filled with meat and coated in a crispy sawdust but if you do you are clearly mental as they were Findus pancakes my hated rival.
During my many journeys on the high seas I occasionally ran out of water and had to drink my own urine, you get a taste for this after a while and on one such occasion we made land on a island uncharted on any map. Unfortunately we introduced the world to a horror when we bought back a specimen of the first ever captive clown who we caught trying to start a small car in a jungle clearing. He was having trouble when the horn sounded and the doors fell off, it was then we pounced using our biggest net to cope with his size 47 shoes.
As the world knows he escaped and after many years in the wild had created the colony's of clowns we know today. It is my sworn goal to eradicate this unfunny and creepy menace and unmask the wretched vagabonds. Here how you can help old uncle fish finger me old scollops.
Clowns can come in any shape or size but always have a coloured nose, this is the source of their power and must be removed at all costs. The best way to de-nose clowns is to create traps. Here's one I made earlier.
Using tree branches and old sticks set up your trap as shown above. Load it with a set of false glasses and nose and wait. When a clown approaches and reaches for the falsies pull away the stick and trap him in the sticks. His clown instincts will make him perform an unfunny 'help I'm trapped in sticks and leaves' routine that should last an excruciating amount of time, certainly long enough for you to approach and give him a good whack on the head.
If this fails to attract a clown then use the old smoke signal trick using an old blanket. Try to get the smoke signals to resemble clowny things such as bow ties, silly hats and buckets of water. Laughing hysterically at nothing will also draw out a clown from thick undergrowth, there's nothing worse for a clown than not being the centre of attention.
For clowns at a distance use a Clowntriangulator Pie launcher. Capable of slinging custard pies up to a distance of a mile it's easier to take a clown out at a distance with a well aimed pie. Don't use cream pies as they are something totally different altogether, so is mud pies, it was a bad night on the internet when I found that out I can tell you mateys.
Once you have flushed out your clown chase the wretched jester around and beat him with sticks until you dislodge his nose. Feel free to tread on his shoes and spin his bow tie to annoy him further. Who's laughing now Mr clown, eh? Who's laughing now? You looking at me?
Chase them away and pie them on the way out if necessary.
Once all the clowns in your area have been eradicated you may then celebrate with a nose burning party, start off your camp fire with the oversized shoes as kindle, any leftover bow ties and hats can also be used should you have difficulty.
Your clown should now retreat, the loss of his red nose will severely curtail his ability to clown around and you will be free from forced mirth for a while longer.
This has been a post on behalf of the Clown Eradication Society - Keeping Communities Clown Free Since 1876
Don't be a clown, hunt them down!