Flexible Fingering Fitness

Hi and welcome to the Fitness Channel, my name is Maurice 'Powerpump' Thruster and today I'm going to help you burn off all that excess fat you have gained over the festive period with a blistering new routine called 'Finger-Cize'. From flicking to clicking those fingers are going to take a pounding you tubby larder. Stop blubbering and pay attention, here's our top trainer Bertie 'Thunderpants' Pounder to take all you finger chubbies through your paces.

Well hello ladies, my name is Bertie Pounder, Thunderpants to my numerous lady friends who get to call me that in a morning and I'm here to stroke your pretty hair and turn that body into a temple of luuurve. Feel free to stroke my moustache during the exercises or just stand back and admire my finger posture.

Let's start with an easy warm up and some knuckle crunches. After me, 1,2, bend, 1, 2, and back up, bend, back up, bend, back up, feel that burn, feel that bend, feel Bertie, no, really, cop a feel.

Ok, now we have warmed up now let's do some 'downies'. Remember the disco move that John Travolta did in Saturday Night Fever, the pointy up and down thing? Well, get ready to boogie, stand with you legs apart and begin. Finger up, finger down, finger up, finger down, now stick you tongue out and repeat, up, down,up,down. Let's quicken the pace, up, down, up, down, tongue out, tongue left, tongue right and twerk.

Now use both hands, both up, both down, both up, both down, shuffle to the right and repeat. Well done, you have learned a new excercise, the 'Space Invader'

Next up you will need some equipment, no ladies, not yet although I have enough equipment for everybody. Grab yourself a cocktail stick and attach olives to each end for a 70's retro workout, party food pumping. Hold as shown above and bend one, two, three. Repeat five hundred times until you feel peckish then eat the olives for a power food boost.

Finger-Cize is best done with friends, hey baby, fancy joining me for a session with my capable hands, I can get pickles out of a jar with these fingers. They don't call me Bertie Pounder for nothing, want to know why they call me Thunderpants? Because there's a sexy storm waiting for you in there. Growl.

Want to make a film? Here's my friend, Simple Simon Stallion and you wouldn't believe what he can do with his little finger. C'mon, it will all be very tasteful and meaningful, trust me. Slobber.

Hey! What a morally corrupt blog entry, where does he get such ideas? If this is just the start of 2014 I have a feeling things are going to get really weird very quickly indeed.

Oh no!