Eyes down and the first ball tells us the vital points in this years budget for you and your family.
Wine, Spirits and Beer Two Fat Ladies 88
Alcohol duty will be dropped by 99% to make a pint retail at around 2p and a bottle of vodka 10p, this will enable the typical working family to down around seventy two pints each every week whilst the under fives will get through two bottles of whisky and three chasers. Life expectancy will be reduced dramatically and the burden on our hospitals will ease accordingly with the added bonus that everyone will be too addled to give a monkeys anyway.
Cigarettes Kelly's Eye Number One
Tobacco will now be compulsory for all, it's health giving benefits have long since been misunderstood. Pipes will be issued in infant school and by the age of sixteen teenagers are expected to be on cigars and able to rub the finest shag into a ball to load their pipes single handedly.
Income Tax Clickety Click 66
The amount workers can earn befor being taxed is to go up by £500 to £501. Taxation will start at birth and will remain in deficit until we reposess your house to pay for your old age care.
Stamp Duty House With A Bamboo Door 54
This will remain the same, posting any house including bungalows through the mail will still cost the same duty in stamps currently standing at 56p first class for a small flat.
Potholes Unlucky For Some 13
We remain committed to be the pothole capital of the world and we have pledged another £200m to generate more potholes and to keep our roads in unworkable bone shaking condition.
Flooding Cup Of Tea 3
Areas recently flooded in the UK will now be eligible for the pool tax, the addition of such an accessible commodity as a lake or flood plain in your downstairs dining room significantly raises the price of such dwellings and will be taxed accordingly.
Food Prices Buckle My Shoe 32
The food prices in the House of Commons canteen is extortionate, to cope with the rising costs we are awarding ourselves an extra 11% increase and increasing the price of a first class stamp. Caviar simply cannot be allowed to disappear from our menu.
Capital Spending Staying Alive 85
1.2 billion has been set aside for transport in the capital, 2.7 billion will be spent extending the current airport structure around London whilst a further 3.7 billion will be allocated for Boris Johnson's haircut. Further north in the land of cobbles and flat caps we have set aside sixpence in the form of a new currency and offered the use of a pony and trap between t'pit villages me duck. We will be changing the pound coin to look like a threepenny bit because let's face it, you all live in the past oop north and a pound is only worth threepenny in today's money, you would only spend it all on the dogs and tabs anyway.
Road Tax Legs 11
Anyone owning a car with savings of less than the top eight families in the UK should get a bloody proper job and work hard instead of whinging about bonuses and reading The Sun, it gets so annoying when I am in the back garden of No.11, you can almost smell the common people and it's not nice.
Schools Duck And A Crutch 27
School meals are to be replaced by a new swifter nutritious menu from food experts McDonalds. The Triple McDobbin with cheese will replace vegetables and French fries will be served with all meals. The school tuck shop has been sold to Costa Coffee as a concession and Gregg's will open a new outlet in all school yards by 2015. Teachers will have to work a lot harder because we are going to give them more pointless things to do from a clueless education minister. Pay increases will come through playing bingo in assemblies.
Health Jump And Jive 35
We all have BUPA so what do we care. All none BUPA hospitals will have to pull their socks up, health services isn't cheap. Car parking at hospitals will now be a minimum of £5 per hour, you can have bedside entertainment from £10 a day with pay per view cards and your bed can be upgraded to comfy for an extra £12.50 per day. Should you require a nurse or a doctor then a deposit of £1000 will secure one visit with each subsequent visit costing £500 per diagnosis. Prescriptions will be raised on 1st April to £62 per item or per tablet whichever is the greatest. Nurses pay remains unchanged at pre war levels and will be encouraged to okay bingo to boost their income.
A balance budget targeting the elderly and vulnerable in equal measures, the low income families will of course moan but as we are in charge there isn't much they can do is there? Middle England will grumble but otherwise pay up and the rich will carry on laughing. Small businesses will suffer as the tax burden continues to drive them to dispair in a struggling climate but hey, earn enough and you can avoid tax altogether.
Use our handy calculator to work out how you benefit from the Bingo Beer Budget -
Your income - (car tax, car insurance, mortgage, house insurance, gas, electricity, water, phone, food, clothes) - 20% = Bugger
Your Benefit = Bugger All
Last one for a full house, Droopy Drawers 44