Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back To The Fewture

My name is Alexander Flemming and I did not write the James Bond novels. I'm here today to talk to you about liquorice wheels such as the ones in front of me here. Liquorice wheels are only one of the new inventions that will change the way we live forever so join me on a journey of discovery as we view tomorrow's world.

By the time you have read this paragraph you could have been launched into town or even to the moon with the new bus service from Stagecoach that uses rockets! Already bus stops up and down the country are being converted to launch pads to form a global network of rocket travel. Imagine stepping from your door to a handy convenient local rocket pad and catching the next rocket to work, no more sitting next to that odourous gentleman with the stinky feet, no more passing pleasantries with strangers, no, you will be strapped in and shot off at speeds in excess of 100,000mph which means will be at work before you left the day before! Frightful day trips to resorts like Skegness will be a thing of the past, why go there when you could go to Blackpool...on the moon!

A new high speed rail link will join Birmingham with London using the latest in steam technology with, guess what, another rocket. This time it's called the rocket but it's not a rocket, it's a chuffing chuff chuff with wheels that go round and round. Dizzying speeds of 15mph have been suggested which may require special headgear and oxygen masks for all passengers. Testing is still underway after boiler number six exploded and we ended up with Milton Keynes.

Advances in new plastics such as the Naffaterium, a lightweight plastic that is virtually indestructible will enable mass production of cheap toys and hideous dolls. Eventually this plastic will do away with the need for toys by producing plastic children! Yes, real plastic children! No fuss, no feeding, no noise, no pestering, no nothing! Of course the downside is that the human race will cease to exist but hey, it's progress and we don't want to stand in the way of that do we you Luddites.

In the future we will all eat like this, specially chemically manufactured globs of nutritional goodness giving you all you need in one healthy lump. We at the Food Understanding Cooking Kitchen with our awkward abbreviated name would like to inform you that all our products undergo the strictest testing of food stuffs anywhere. After all, if it's good enough for dogs it's good enough for you which is why instead of producing lots of different ranges of food we have streamlined the process to bring you Pedigree Mum, food specially designed for the whole family, pets included! One complete meal tin will feed a family of four, two cocker spaniels and a small dachshund called Colin for a week. Amazing! It's the future, just like garlic bread.

We hope you enjoyed our glimpse into the Fewture, more revelations tomorrow when we reveal that dogs can read, cats gossip and doorbells are like barking for houses all from my plush padded accommodation provided I can get these arms up strapped from my back.


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