Oh my, have you seen the advert for the latest magazines that allow you to construct something like a train in 130 weekly parts? I know these things have always been around but they have gotten a little silly.
Build your own Mallard train, only 130 issues, usual price £7.99. Sounds reasonable if you are gullible and let's be frank if anyone is interested in building a three foot long plastic blue train to display as a 'stunning feature' in your home you should be put in a box and poked with a cattle prod until you see sense. Building this thing would cost you a little over £1000 and get this, it doesn't include paints, track, engine or gearbox!
So let me get this straight, you want me to give you £1000 for a kit I build myself really, really slowly with one piece a week and when I finish it I get an unpainted useless lump that I need to spend oodles of extra money on to get some mediocre entertainment out of? Too right, if trains aren't your bag why not try the companion magazine and build your own u-boat?
Seriously, who buys these things? Oh, hi honey, I have found myself a hobby for these dark nights, I'm going to build a 1:100 scale model of a WWII U-Boat, it'll be just the ticket to put on display to impress guests said no one ever.
Then I make the mistake of seeing what other magazines there are like this, boy is there a lot. How about building a Spitfire or a 17th Century Warship (paints extra at £35 and display stand £20, I'm not kidding)? No? What about collecting the full DVD collection of Ben Cartwrights family living at the Ponderosa? Confused? So was I until I realised they were trying to get you to collect the entire series of Bonanza, the serial western from the 70's. It was about this time that my head exploded, really, I can't take any more.
So from tomorrow I will be starting a 'Build Your Own Impossimal' magazine, don't worry, it's only in 210 issues for only 99p (first issue only, regular price £9.99). Each week This stunning magazine will enable you to create your own Impossimal masterpiece. Issue one comes with a free staple, additional issues will enable you to create your own 4''x4'' box canvas by issue 77, further issues will take you through each an every minute brushstroke allowing you to progress at your own speed (paints required at an additional £99)
By issue 210 scheduled for 2017 you will have a stunning piece of art (not necessarily) and will feel considerably pleased with yourself (maybe or maybe not). Purchase our special display system so you can show off your Impossimal creation to guests. (£45, contents include two staples, a piece of string and a nail)
In all good newsagents NOW!