Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'
If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.
Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.
'Mince pies remind me of your eyes,
Christmas pud is because I would,
Pringles cause you give me tingles,
Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful,
turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'
Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.
Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.
Now's the time to recycle all those unwanted Christmas gifts, from character slippers to used combs any discarded and unwanted gift can be recycled into a Valentine token of love. Simply wrap in new 'non Christmas' paper or carefully colour in all the Christmassy things on the paper using felt tips, add a bow made out of pink toilet paper and viola, free up-cycled romanticised gifts from the heart. Alternatively if you have saved the giblets from the turkey there is bound to be a heart in there, use that, what come be more romantic although it could rove tricky to wrap so instead used silver foil for a stunning effect.
Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.
Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.
Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.