Be My Christmas Valentine

With a special occasion like Valentines fast approaching it demands a special declaration of your love, what better way to do it than to use all those left over Christmas items. Think of it as up cycling your love and saving the environment not to mention its also a nifty way to get rid of those toe nail clippers you got bought. So in a never ending deluge of strange blog entries here's how to impress your Valentines this Easter with special Christmas gifts for their birthday.

Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'

If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.

Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.

'Mince pies remind me of your eyes,
Christmas pud is because I would,
Pringles cause you give me tingles,
Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful,
turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'

Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.

Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.

Now's the time to recycle all those unwanted Christmas gifts, from character slippers to used combs any discarded and unwanted gift can be recycled into a Valentine token of love. Simply wrap in new 'non Christmas' paper or carefully colour in all the Christmassy things on the paper using felt tips, add a bow made out of pink toilet paper and viola, free up-cycled romanticised gifts from the heart. Alternatively if you have saved the giblets from the turkey there is bound to be a heart in there, use that, what come be more romantic although it could rove tricky to wrap so instead used silver foil for a stunning effect.

Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.

Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.

Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.

Valentine Tramping

Valentines day has become so commercial of late that the cashing in on anything love related is the norm but in these days of super scrimping what you need is a sensible guide to pinching the pennies whilst declaring your love for that special person in your life, I give you Valentine Tramping, the poundshop version of Valentines day absolutely free and guaranteed to make them swoon into your arms.

The Card

Forget expensive cards full of hearts and cuddly characters declaring love, instead opt for a tin of beans. Sounds silly? Think about it, everyone loves beans don't they and beans are actually quite like love, once opened it's consumed with a PASSION and leaves your insides all GIGGLY with what feels like BUTTERFLIES in your stomach until later when you LET IT ALL GO leaving you with a WARM FEELING and an AROMA TO REMEMBER coupled with a feeling of CONTENTMENT. Add bacon for a night to remember, Valentines LOVE bacon, smear it on your lips before kissing for a piggy passionate pucker.

The Romantic Meal

Whilst most restaurants charge an absolute fortune during Valentines day cut the costs by creating a restaurant atmosphere in your own home. You don't have to cook either, simply buy some chicken nuggets, a McBurger or two and an apple pie from a popular fast food restaurant the day before and set to one side to allow the apple pie to cool below the temperature of magma. Don't worry about the food, it has a half life of seven years so will be fine.

Set up a small table next to your toilet door, place a box of roses in the centre of the table, real roses are SO expensive and the chocolate ones taste better. Light two strips of bacon placed in candle holders, they are much cheaper than candles and the fat burns a treat creating a smoky bacon atmosphere that acts as an aphrodisiac. Use plastic cutlery and paper plates to save on washing up and to allow more ravashing time later. Carefully plate up your meal and scribble out a menu on a napkin, it should look like this...

STARTER

Carefully selected chicken strips coated in a crispy batter and seasoned with a delicate selection of spices. Comes with two gourmet sides, a tomato purée and a deep Southern smoked sauce.

(Nuggets and dips) *don't add these bits.

MAIN

Classic ground sirloin of beef, mature vintage cheddar with a selection of pickles and relishes served with salted potato oblongs and a baked dough.

(Burger and chips)

DESSERT

An American Classic to share

(Apple pie pocket, one between two)

In between courses bang your valentines chair occasionally to simulate passing customers, occasionally slam the toilet door for authenticity and complain about the draft and the rubbish table you have been given. Make sure you have music playing in the background, anything by Barry Manilow is bound to go down well, as is I'm a pink toothbrush my Max Bygraves, it shows class. At the end of the meal burp and pretend not to pay before doing a runner to the lounge.

Gifts

A stuffed sock makes a great substitute for expensive teddies, attach a note saying 'I'd sock it to you' for added mirth. Chocolates are always a great gift, there is a three mars bars for a quid offer on at the moment so for a small outlay you can get a gift of chocolate and keep two for yourself. Avoid a finger of Fudge or a Twix as they are too suggestive. If you can stretch to something more expensive then go for a luxurious Bounty with its exotic coconut taste thats like a holiday in a packet. For the more adventurous go to the butchers and buy a real heart, they are so cheap, wrap it up and 'give them your heart', they will be so overwhelmed they will pass out everytime, guaranteed. Packets of sausages also make great gifts as you can cook them together and eat them suggestively, you also get to use the word PORK which is always a bonus during Valentines.

There it is, Valentines without the hassle and all for under a tenner. Enjoy your Valentines day, don't forget that tomorrow is cheap chocolate day, time to stock up for Easter!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Merry Valentine Christmas

A special occasion demands a special declaration of your love, what better way to do it than to use all those left over Christmas items. Think of it as up cycling your love and saving the environment not to mention its also a nifty way to get rid of those toe nail clippers you got bought. So in a never ending deluge of strange blog entries here's how to impress your Valentines this Easter with special Christmas gifts for their birthday.

Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'

If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.

Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.

'Mince pies remind me of your eyes, Christmas pud is because I would, Pringles cause you give me tingles, Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful, turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'

Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.

Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.

Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.

Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.

Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Love

An Impossimal love story, All4Love is now widely available in the galleries to view. Over the last week as the pieces have been collected up and down the country I have been doing dedications to go with some of them, many have been heart warmingly romantic to say the least which is exactly what this collection is all about.

From the moment we met I knew it was true, my eyes met yours and I was no longer blue.

As time went by I began to know, I had found finally where my love would grow.

My heart did a flutter just like a dove, this time I knew it must be love.

Through all the tears and all the laughter I fell in love happily ever after.

All4Love, Two People, One Journey, Your Story.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

All4Love

Two People, One Journey, Your Story.

Over the years I have depicted many Impossimal stories based on family and friends, this year I wanted to share this with you in a very special way. Just reading some of the titles, ‘From The Moment We Met’ and ‘It Must Be Love’ conjure up mental images even before you see the paintings and that for me was my starting point, I wanted to recreate every journey, every emotion and every romance for everyone to enjoy.

So I present to you four limited editions carefully created to chart a path through life that allows through various combinations for you share your own unique journey and personal love story. Finally you can create your very own Impossimal collection that you can truly say is all about you.

From The Moment We Met

Where Our Love Grows

It Must Be Love

Happy Ever After

In Galleries Soon

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals