Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine Tramping

Valentines day has become so commercial of late that the cashing in on anything love related is the norm but in these days of super scrimping what you need is a sensible guide to pinching the pennies whilst declaring your love for that special person in your life, I give you Valentine Tramping, the poundshop version of Valentines day absolutely free and guaranteed to make them swoon into your arms.

The Card

Forget expensive cards full of hearts and cuddly characters declaring love, instead opt for a tin of beans. Sounds silly? Think about it, everyone loves beans don't they and beans are actually quite like love, once opened it's consumed with a PASSION and leaves your insides all GIGGLY with what feels like BUTTERFLIES in your stomach until later when you LET IT ALL GO leaving you with a WARM FEELING and an AROMA TO REMEMBER coupled with a feeling of CONTENTMENT. Add bacon for a night to remember, Valentines LOVE bacon, smear it on your lips before kissing for a piggy passionate pucker.

The Romantic Meal

Whilst most restaurants charge an absolute fortune during Valentines day cut the costs by creating a restaurant atmosphere in your own home. You don't have to cook either, simply buy some chicken nuggets, a McBurger or two and an apple pie from a popular fast food restaurant the day before and set to one side to allow the apple pie to cool below the temperature of magma. Don't worry about the food, it has a half life of seven years so will be fine.

Set up a small table next to your toilet door, place a box of roses in the centre of the table, real roses are SO expensive and the chocolate ones taste better. Light two strips of bacon placed in candle holders, they are much cheaper than candles and the fat burns a treat creating a smoky bacon atmosphere that acts as an aphrodisiac. Use plastic cutlery and paper plates to save on washing up and to allow more ravashing time later. Carefully plate up your meal and scribble out a menu on a napkin, it should look like this...


Carefully selected chicken strips coated in a crispy batter and seasoned with a delicate selection of spices. Comes with two gourmet sides, a tomato purée and a deep Southern smoked sauce.

(Nuggets and dips) *don't add these bits.


Classic ground sirloin of beef, mature vintage cheddar with a selection of pickles and relishes served with salted potato oblongs and a baked dough.

(Burger and chips)


An American Classic to share

(Apple pie pocket, one between two)

In between courses bang your valentines chair occasionally to simulate passing customers, occasionally slam the toilet door for authenticity and complain about the draft and the rubbish table you have been given. Make sure you have music playing in the background, anything by Barry Manilow is bound to go down well, as is I'm a pink toothbrush my Max Bygraves, it shows class. At the end of the meal burp and pretend not to pay before doing a runner to the lounge.


A stuffed sock makes a great substitute for expensive teddies, attach a note saying 'I'd sock it to you' for added mirth. Chocolates are always a great gift, there is a three mars bars for a quid offer on at the moment so for a small outlay you can get a gift of chocolate and keep two for yourself. Avoid a finger of Fudge or a Twix as they are too suggestive. If you can stretch to something more expensive then go for a luxurious Bounty with its exotic coconut taste thats like a holiday in a packet. For the more adventurous go to the butchers and buy a real heart, they are so cheap, wrap it up and 'give them your heart', they will be so overwhelmed they will pass out everytime, guaranteed. Packets of sausages also make great gifts as you can cook them together and eat them suggestively, you also get to use the word PORK which is always a bonus during Valentines.

There it is, Valentines without the hassle and all for under a tenner. Enjoy your Valentines day, don't forget that tomorrow is cheap chocolate day, time to stock up for Easter!


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