Carpet Crumpet

Sifting through some old blog entries I wondered what I was doing this day in 2012, alas I found my answer with this blog entry from the vaults...

Shopping for a bargain off cut in carpet emporiums is a daunting proposition. Firstly you have oodles of options, colour, pattern, short pile, shag, nylon, wool, the list is endless and secondly you have to enter through a door way that is festooned with balloons and garlands like you are going there for a party. There was so much celebratory material outside I half expected to be met by Coco the carpet clown and shown the recently carpeted bouncy castle whilst children run excitedly through tubes of carpet caves eating carpet cakes.

OK, that was a bit over the top I'll admit but really why are carpet places always festooned in such gaiety? I checked, there was not a sale on, it was not a anniversary for anything at the store and it wasn't anybody's birthday. It is and will forever remain a mystery.

Grippers, that's what I want to talk about. How lethal are they? Taking up our old carpet revealed a multitude of sins as it became apparent it should have been replaced many, many years before. Part of the carpet was wedged under the door way on a particularly gripping bit of floor. Extracting carpet from the jaws of these booby traps requires a deft touch, a touch I fail to have and inexplicably at some point I know I will catch a part of my anatomy on them. Strips of wood nailed to the floor, each with fifty small angled spikes is like something from the middle ages to stop mounted troops, why on earth are they there for carpets?, surely carpets don't have a habit of running away when your not looking so have to be pinned down. I know, I know, they stop the carpet moving, still don't like them.

As usual the carpet wouldn't budge from under the door frame, cutting it out wasn't an option as we needed the new carpet to fit perfectly and not have a tuft of green between that and the hallway. Tug. Tug. No movement. Maybe a new tactic, a forty five degree tug.

It worked, I say worked in its loosest terms as the carpet tore away from the strip with a ripping sound catapulting me backwards bottom first into the corner. That is where I found the gripper as it tore into my cheeks like a fish hook. If you have ever tried to get up from a gripper injury you will find how hard it is. The spikes point towards the wall so you are left with two choices, either retreat more towards the wall to ease them off which in my case was going to be difficult seeing as my backside was already pinned there or secondly grit your teeth and stand rather quickly ignoring any ripping sounds and sharp pain.

I chose the latter and I now have a nice row of 'teeth' marks in my bottom. 

Try explaining that one at the swimming baths.

Slicing With Danger

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'. Not a massive amount of olives to order and really we just wanted to try out the blue cheese ones.

We should have realised when we saw our deli counter assistant trying to halve an enormous piece of Parmesan using a bread knife. It was obviously a struggle, the knife was stuck at ninety degrees in the centre of the cheese and she was puffing and panting using both hands to push down with little success. Really what would have happened if she had slipped would have involved us picking up ten little fingers as they ran down the double edged blade and spoiling our day.

'Uh?' 

'I would like some Olives please'

'Oh'. We looked around, the shop was deserted but she seemed strangely disappointed that we wished to buy something, either that or it was because we had stopped her digit removal fun momentarily.

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'.

'These?' she said pointing to the stuffed mini peppers.

'No, those, the green ones with red poking out of them'.

'These?' pointing at the anchovy stuffed ones two bowls away.

'No, those, the green ones with the bits of red in them'. 

'You mean the olives?'.

'Yes, the bloody olives, do you even work here or are you just paid to try and lose body parts for the customers?' I said inside my head but my mouth settled for a calm 'Yes, those please'

As you can see it didn't get off to a cracking start.

'How many?' 

'100g please'. Oh my god, this is going to be painful, not only do we have to describe the food we are also going to have to remind her every three seconds. Fighting the urge to leap over the counter and take over we patiently waited a few minutes watching her carefully balance the olives in the plastic container trying to get exactly 100g. We stopped her as she chopped an olive in half to get it right and just before she quartered that piece too. OMG.

'Its 101g, is that, er, er, ok?'

'101g is fine, although we were hoping for 101.00001g but hey you can't have everything, right?' There followed a laborious process with the labelling machine until it choked out a trim little label then a further few minutes of fumbling as the lid refused to seal.

'Anything else?' she said brightly, obviously her mind had drifted back to the thoughts of other ways to skirt with danger in the deli.

'Yes, a 100g of the garlic stuffed please'

'These?'. I came to buy olives not play show and tell, maybe they were new but you would have least expected a modicum of training to distinguish between olives and peppers. Her fixation with pointing at the peppers was unnerving, skilfully and patiently we guided her back to the olives and on to part two. 'How many?' it was about this point my mind zoomed away and I looked back on myself and exactly where in the universe I was placed. Apparently every so often an inverted black hole neutron, a very rare atom, explodes. it's only a small explosion but creates a stupidity bubble that lingers for many hours, I was squarely in that bubble and trapped by the gravitational pull of absurdness it creates.

All this pales into insignificance though when we got to buying four of the blue cheese ones. Imagine describing that we would like less than 100g and have opted to purchase just four, a risky proposition that bordered on reckless, it had already taken us nearly ten minutes to get the other two tubs.

'Four?, four? of these?' she said pointing yet again to the peppers. If you point again at those peppers young lady I'm going to take them and shove them up your nose. Give me the damn pot and you stand this side whilst I fart around in a silly hat cutting up olives accurate to twenty seven decimal points. Here, let me start the bacon slicer for you to play with, you will find it far more effective in reducing your hands to the equivalent of a dibber than that silly knife.

Words cannot describe the next five minutes, not only did we have to repeat our request numerous times but we also had a 'This days kinda silly' as a reply to 'Yes, just four PLEASE'

'Excuse me, I don't think this is right' I said as she handed me the tub.

'Why? Did you want peppers?'. When she got up from the kicking I gave her I pointed out that four olives, even of this quality should not cost the deficit of Greece and £34.46 was a little steep placing my four little olives in a category above gold ingots. With an exchange rate like that maybe you should start a Cash4Olives I suggested.

To cut a long story short and save you of untold woe as we realised all the tubs had been mislabelled we eventually left this corner of the deli after fifteen minutes only to start a new episode at the till.

Sitting in the car we pulled the lid off the sundried stuffed olives and tried one. Boy they were nice. Removing the olives though had exposed a secret. At the bottom was two perfectly formed stuffed peppers.

I Ain't Afraid Of No Toast!

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

Shoo Me

Free shampoo, free notepad and pencil, free soap, all these pale into insignificance when you enter a hotel room and find a shoe mitt. Shoe mitts are the holy grail of hotel freebies, forget the emergency sewing kit, put aside the complimentary shower cap, shoe mitts are probably the most useful of all the non essential fluff you going to get.

For a start they clean shoes. I know that is obvious but they really are good at doing just that, you even get to slip your hand in the mitt so you can give them a good rub. They really come into their own though when you use them for jobs they were not designed for...

Got a smartphone or PDA? Yes? Shoe mitts make excellent screen cleaners and in some cases are large enough for you to slip your hardware inside to give you a free handy dust cover.

Don't want to lose jewellery in your suitcase? Pop your items in the shoe mitt pouch and not only will it keep them safe it will also buff them up a little too.

They make excellent finger dusters for those hard to reach places such as the top of door frames and awkward light fittings.

Cut a lemon in half, pop it inside the mitt and squeeze. et viola, instant lemon juice minus all the pips.

Got a cold? Use a shoe mitt as an emergency handkerchief, they are soft enough to soothe your nose and tough enough to take the punishment of a good sneeze.

They make excellent sleeping bags for mice and with the addition of a shoelace handle they can also transform into a makeshift shopping bag for cats.

In a culinary emergency assert your authority with the shoe mitts instant chefs hat. Ideal for that f*!?! Gordon Ramsey moment.

During Summer (in the UK I'm referring to the 3rd July, between 1:45pm and 2:12pm, other places may experience a different Summer) use the mitt to apply sun cream without getting your hands all sticky.

In Winter a pair of mitts make excellent mittens, double them up for extra warmth.

Got loads of shoe mitts? Wear them all at the same time to give you a free oven glove.

New potatoes can be safely carried in this miniature potato sack.

Staple one to your favourite armchair to give a pocket for your favourite remote control ensuring you never lose it again.

Attach one to your belt for a wallet scabbard. Bystanders will be amazed as you whip out your wallet just like a sword to pay for that mocha latte frappé double chocalotta large coffee with cream.

Save them for Halloween and hand them out filled with sweets to trick or treaters, after the contents have been scoffed the mitt will ensure they never have dirty shoes again, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Shoe mitts make excellent shark repellents, I wear mine constantly at home and have never been bitten by a shark yet.

So the next time you are in a hotel room cherish the shoe mitt, save them, use them, you never know when you will need one.

DISCLAIMER - All shoe mitt suggestions should only be carried out by a shoe mitt expert grade one, purple belt. Amateur shoe mitt devotees should just stick to shoe mitt recommended duties for safety reasons. Shoe mitts are not designed to replace boats, edible items and/or people no matter how many eyes you draw on them. Shoe mitts come in various sizes, always choose your shoe mitt carefully to avoid disappointment. Never use shoe mitts to apply make-up or to feed lions. Never leave a shoe mitt unattended after midnight and never EVER feed them popcorn.

This blog has been sponsored by the Save-a-Mitt Foundation, your donation of £6152 a day could save a starving family of Shoe Mitts from a fate worse than buffing. For details of sponsoring a shoe mitt family call 08912-MITTSAVENOW-9861 and ready your credit card.

Knock, Knock, Who's There?

Knock, Knock, Knock... ding!

I picked up the intercom and answered (I know it sounds pretentious but I have this in the studio, it lights up because I wear headphones to paint and can't hear the front door)

'Hi Sir, I'm not selling anything' then why are you here I thought?

'I'm here to check if you have received your grant. I'm not selling anything' I'll be the judge of that young man. I'm often suspicious of these things after a friend of mine brought a set of hankies from a doorstep salesman only to find that the hankies were in fact old knickers trimmed to shape. On the same note I remember another weird event when we discovered a gardener in the front garden trimming our bushes so to speak, only we didn't have a gardener (still don't, I trim my own bush) but he demanded payment for snipping a few things off without our permission so I speak from experience when I said to our doorstop dandy 'I'm not interested thankyou'

'But I need to check you have claimed so I can tick you off our sales list.'
Oops, schoolboy error I think, 'I'm really not interested now thank you very much'

'Ba*tard'

An efficient response that I'm sure was not in his official training manual and he sauntered away in his luminous unmarked jacket with his dodgy I.D. It got me thinking on how much of this you encounter daily and put up with. Now, what I would have liked to have done is chase his ass up and down the street before pushing his clipboard sideways in any suitable orifice for insulting me in my own home but what I did instead is that typical British thing of accepting it. I'm not always like that though but you do find that if you rise to every occasion that life soon becomes a little jaded. Instead I like to have a little fun in these situations.

A few weeks ago I was in a well known supermarket that sounds similar to the fictional Lesco's, when at the checkout I found I was the gooseberry in a three way discussion that was occurring whilst I was being served. I don't mind a bit of chat but this was full on 'I'm not paying attention to you whilst I serve you' chat. Items were rang through twice and I spent most of the time looking at the back of a head. SO I decided to retaliate, at suitable moments I joined in with their private conversation. 'Ooo, did you really, sounds shocking, tell me more', 'was the goat OK?', 'Did you finally get the handcuffs off the dog?'. It works too, as soon as they feel they have been rumbled they become the insulted and the shutters come down. The remaining items are then processes under a steely smouldering gaze.

So today if you get any of this malarkey going off, and there is a lot of it, join in, it's fun and you end up smiling instead of walking away feeling a little insulted. Now where's that clipboard? I have a door knocker to sort out...

Posh Poo

With society on the brink of a moralistic collapse it's time to set things straight with Proper Etiquette, our bi-monthly course in how to talk real proper and do stuff correctly. In today's episode we tackle the thorny issue of public toilets.

Public Conveniences - Use Them Or Not?

When you have got to go you have go to go so unfortunately you will occasionally be in a position where they are unavoidable but a few handy pointers will help you tackle them like a native.

1) Remember, they are public toilets so do not take in reading material even if you are going for a leg numbing session. Instead read what you find in the cubicle, maybe an old discarded cigarette packet or the list of phone numbers offering you a good trembling, all make excellent browsing material without the need to carry a small paperback in your pocket for toilet time.

2) Keep the noise down. There is nothing worse than listening to somebody announcing when the train leaves the station and smashes into the buffers. Instead if you need to make some noise choose an animal according to the severity of your load. For example mooing like a cow is good for a 5mb download but for 10mb hot dogs dropped in the sea you need to to choose something a bit more manly like a walrus. Giraffes are good for long neckers whilst frogs are useful for any surprises. Roaring like a lion is only for the kings of the throne and should only be used when its stuck sideways. Loo Zooing as its called is now quite common so feel free to experiment with different animals out of your comfort zone.

3) Be flexible with hand driers. They are incredibly useful and fun, not only do they dry hands but if you are using one with a rotating head point it up and place your face in the blast. It's just like parachuting without the risk, apart from a healthy injection of germs, but hey, germs are good for you. If you take a few ping pong balls in with you you can load them in before you press start. Try to bounce them into urinals and cubicles, place stickers on each denoting score and keep a running total for extra fun.

If its a Dyson air blade it's advisable not to dip anything else in them other than your hands no matter how tempting. The have been known to remove objects with ease. Also no hand standing if your drier does not rotate, instead take a length of flexible tubing to attach that can be safely tucked into your trousers for a stimulating warm sensation.

4) Be aware of others. You may leave the door open at home but it's not the norm in public. Equally, opening the door as someone passes to tell them 'Give me a few minutes mate, I've got a barrow load to shift' is also frowned upon. The correct greeting upon flinging open a door whilst your seated is 'Want this one? I've warmed it up.'. Really the only time you can leave your door open is if your watching if your starter has arrived.

5) If all the cubicles are taken don't suffer in silence. Rattling all the doors will hasten any sitters, to really speed them up stand as close to the cubicle as you can so your shoes pop underneath the door, then make small scratching sounds with your nails before gripping the top of the door as though you are about to pull yourself up. They will be up and out before you know it.

6) The public is quite used to attention seeking after watching program's like Got Talent and that other wretched thing so join in the fun. Play The Voice game, upon entering any public toilet see if you can break wind in an impressive way to make four people turn around, variations of this game can be played on the bus, in a library or even during a wedding service. Toilet train is another game but for this you will need to be in an end cubicle. Unhook the toilet roll and holding onto one end roll it across the floor and under the other cubicles. See how many cubicle carriages you can roll it through before it either hits a sitter or other object.

Trendy people are turning to a new phenomenon, Boom Boxing. The idea is that the cubicle is your recording studio and you have been asked to produce the biggest splash you can. Participants are not allowed to drop foreign objects into the toilet so it's all about height, targeting and trajectory. Players have been known to take in furniture and even small step ladders to increase the solid boom. Scores are awarded by how many people are stopped in their tracks upon hearing the sound.

7) That's about it really, just remember the simple rule mirror, signal, manoeuvre upon exiting and check for excess baggage in the glove box, nobody thanks a toilet snail with its white tissue trail. Tomorrow urinal handstands and dealing with pizza deliveries to your cubicle.

Get Ready To ROAR!

On Sunday get ready to greet our GoGoDragon 'Knickerbockergloria' sponsored by Bluebird Care as she arrives at her special VIP place outside the Apple Store in the Chappelfields complex, Norwich. With footfall of over 20,000 people a day she will be hard to ignore!

Taking over six weeks to complete she was created using a variety of techniques; acrylic and oil paint for her body, ceramics for her snowflake wings and a hard wearing glitter coat covered in resin to finish off, she even has several scoops of ice cream placed in the curve of her tail, again made out of clay and resin finished. Her central freezer unit was first created as a miniature model so we could see both sides of it and the same effect was then transferred to her body. Simply stand on one side and look through at all the ice creams, go to her opposite side and you see an accurate view back as if she was really in 3D. Incredible fun to do and lots of hidden things to discover in her painting and decoration should you get chance to see her in all her glory.

Dragon trail maps are already available online and off line and thousands are expected to hunt them all down over the next three months in a dragon frenzy. Knickerbockergloria also features in a special dragon sticker book and postcard souvenir collection available from many locations throughout Norwich.

Knickerbockergloria is indeed a special dragon; she's an ice cream dragon who lives under Mariners Hill in Blakeney, Norfolk just behind the ice cream parlour. To celebrate her association with ice cream you will be able to buy a special Knickerbockergloria ice cream creation from Ronaldo Ices, just look for their special ice cream barrows. The sale of each Knickerbockergloria ice cream contributes directly to the Break charity and is extremely yummy too!

Knickerbockergloria has a few secrets of her own, if you have a NFC enabled phone simply scan her body for secret NFC activation areas to learn more about her story and see if you can identify all her hidden ice creams, some familiar others taken from history.

WIN WIN WIN!!!!!

Now the fun bit WE want YOU to VISIT Knickerbockergloria and do something for us, HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN with her and ROAR!!!!! at the same time! The best photo at the end of the three months WINS the original Knickerbockergloria OIL PAINTING signed by both of us worth £1000!!!!

HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTO OF KNICKERBOCKERGLORIA TO US

Post on Facebook and tag us or Knickerbockergloria

Or

Post on Twitter and include @impossimal or @sapphire1dragon

Or

Post on Instagram and hashtag #impossimal

Or

Post of the World Of Impossimals Facebook page

Or

Simply send your photo to pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk

It's that simple!

1. Find Knickerbockergloria

2. Take a photo of you ROARING with her

3. Send it to us or tag us

4. Cross your fingers!

The more creative the better but don't worry we will take every photo into account and include the best later on in the year as part of the Mission Impossimal magazine release!

Knickerbockergloria will appear on the 21st June, go find her and good luck!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your Horoscope For Today

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, I Ali Umbongo have spoken and the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin...

Aries - A varied day ahead, you will be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus - Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas. Maybe a good time for a nose piercing.

Gemini - Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe my green gherkin hide, I tell the truth!

Cancer - A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars of Tommy Walsh.

Leo - You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody's arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo - Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra - With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick 'nip' to get you through the day. I don't blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it's really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal -  You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio - Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and Policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet. However if you are a doctor you must remain naked and greet your patients with the words 'Lovely to get the air round my flue, how can I help you?'

Sagittarius - After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will then send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astral Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn - Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can't look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop. Also beware, if you place your finger in your belly button and turn anti clockwise your bottom will fall off.

Aquarius - You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don't do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking like a cock.

Pisces - Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist - bottom wind performer to the stars. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skilfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with careful control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it's balanced on Mr T's nose.

CLASSIFIEDS

Anne Ole Joike - Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth - Victorian Dad, hire for children's parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White - Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

Crap presenter required for old BBC car show, no time wasters or Chris Evans please. 

Sunday 21st June, Knickerbockergloria appears outside the Apple store in Chappelfields, Norwich for a game of ROAR, more details soon! @sapphire1dragon. #gogodragons2015