When I was only four I took up the Important role of becoming the youngest ever secret agent, a fact I can now share after forty three years of secrecy. In my guise as an agent I worked for two agencies, Fireball and Warlord, both deep undercover operations that taught me new skills as a young recruit. By the age of six I was wearing dinner jackets, sipping cocktails and indulging in my new found hobby of smoking. It was only a mistimed accident whilst abseiling from the top of mount Etna after destroying yet another not so secret base that I retired aged eight.
The mission went according to plan, I had infiltrated the base disguised as a shark, which gave me difficulties as not many sharks are to be seen climbing volcanoes so in hind sight it was a poor choice, still, I managed to convince the guards I was here for the newly installed shark pool underneath the trapdoor floor. After being caught whilst changing into another outfit, this time an inflatable Sumo suit, I was put in a badly guarded cell with all my gadgets still intact. Using my banana cosh attached to my left shoe I subdued the one unarmed guard and made my way deeper into FORMASHGETSMASH lair until I found the evil device. A loudspeaker that was poised to endlessly play 'Hey Jude' to the world unless a ransom was paid of £1,000,000.1p in old money.
I will never forget the sound as the explosions ripped apart the loudspeaker just as it reached 'Take a sad song and make it better' which coincidentally exactly what I was doing by destroying it. I swear till this day I almost heard Sir Paul shout 'Nooooooooooo....' to the tune of Mull of Kintyre as bits of the Hey Jude single flew over my head. Apparently it took Sir Paul over thirty years to find all the pieces and put them together to unleash his revenge at the Olympics.
Abseiling away I realised that I had forgotten to destroy the secret cache of Barry Manilows that was being used as an evil backup plan. Operation Cocacabanadrama could devastate society and my mind suddenly drifted to this problem as I accidentally let go and mistimed my fall crushing a young goat herder (sorry!) and sliding 1000 feet down the mountain side on the back of a startled Elk. My failure to destroy the cache was my last mission and another more experienced agent aged nine was sent in instead.
So now, many years later I'm allowed to write up my memoirs. From the evil Punch Your Judy scheme that used exploding sandcastles as a summer sabotage to the equally devious Man of Ice's idea to make all ice cream taste like cabbage and thus bring down the worlds Ice cream stock prices so he could dominate the untainted ice cream market, I was the agent that stopped all these deeds which is exactly the reason why you never heard of them before. A secret you see, that's how they work.
In my new book 'Moonraking Golden Guns Whilst Playing Octopussy at the Casino Royale' I will reveal more on my double agent life and just why I would never take a drink from a six fingered giant with three nipples and metal teeth or indeed use a toilet on a stationary train. Only .99p from bargain bins worldwide.