SPECIAL REPORT from our Sun correspondent Kit-E-Kat
Now the sun has made its annual appearance and summer is well underway to give us a total of two days enjoyment before rolling thunderstorms spoil the fun I thought I would join in with all the news reports and remind you of how bad the sun is and how to not expire should you heaven forbid start to enjoy it.
Although you can tell the time by the sun most people cannot even see the numbers when they look at it. To help always use a triple mirror system with a magnifying glass to deflect the sunlight onto a specially prepared crumble surface (a slice of bread) that has been prepared beforehand with the addition of a clock face. As the reflected light hits it will reveal little to the untrained eye but experts assure us that it will indeed show the time as mostly being wasted in such a futile way.
The sun is bright, garish, hard to look at and will make you hot under the collar, instead buy another newspaper altogether.
Simulate heat stroke by turning on your oven and leaving the door open. Shut all the doors and windows in the kitchen and wear several jumpers, eventually you will 'succumb' to the effects and collapse pleasingly onto the floor.
Don't forget to wear highly innapropriate clothing that barely covers the flabby bits of your anatomy.
Useful words to say during this unusual weather event are 'I like it hot but not this hot!', 'Put it away you will scare the kids.', 'I don't know how they stand it this hot abroad with all that foreign food, give me rain and egg and chips any day of the week.', 'It wasn't that brown this morning!' and for all the northern folk 'I'm staying indoors, I can't be bothered with all this sun.'
Cooking oil makes a useful substitute for sun cream with the added bonus that you will 'sizzle' in the sun and smell of chips. Place strips of bacon on your tummy when sunbathing for a treat when you finish.
Recreate the seaside in your back garden by sitting on a towel semi naked, filling your egg sandwiches with sand, building small sandcastles and getting a dog to urinate on them. Just like what happened to me in the 70's when a bloody big dog came and destroyed two turrets with a torrent of wee whilst I sat there crying into my bucket and unearthing a buried turd with my spade but I'm over that now.
Get a dog to wee on something handmade for that same crushing feeling I had in the 70's
Did I mention weeing dogs and crushed dreams?
Make a ton of money by becoming an ice cream vendor and selling '99's for £2.50 with only a quarter of a flake sticking out and a paltry whip of ice cream in a miniature cone.
Pretend you're an artist by moaning how hot the studio is as an excuse to avoid 'working' using the term 'work' as loosely as possible whilst trying to convince everyone around you that being arty is full time work when in reality being arty is 10% art 90% self crushing under confidence masquerading as pretentiousness to avoid detection using small things as the weather to throw an arty moment avoiding doing your job thus gaining an excuse to write a mildly amusing blog.
Wear a Kiss Me Quick hat to work for instant respect especially if you are a doctor or policeman.
Buy an invisible dog lead and harass people in the street.
Buy a dog and no lead to allow it to harass people hands free.
More white dog poo appears during sunny weather, please note, it is not chalk and should not be used as such. Another memory that fails to erase itself; just thinking about it conjures up the smell of the 'chalk' breaking as I scrawled on the pavement in the 70's.
Also avoid small black bags that have self inflated, they do not contain 'treasure' especially if found discarded on paths and in parks. NEVER EVER poke them with a stick if fully inflated unless you intend burning your clothes later and scrubbing yourself down with Dettol as I had to in the 70's
Never ever refer back to the endless summer of '77 unless you want to be classed as a boring old fart.
The Summer of '77 was awesome, we had back to back sun for weeks on end and there was no X-Factor.
Bored of the Sun? Simply wait for fourteen hours in the same spot and voila, it will disappear.
Sunday is not a sunny day as it suggests, it's more of a restricted shopping day that normally disappoints the unwary. In olden days nothing used to open on a Sunday and we all had to sit together for a big meal and make conversation about how great it would be if everything opened on a Sunday before watching Bullseye on television wondering what on earth they were going to do with a twin engined speedboat on a terrace street.
Enjoy the sunny weather!