Bill Stickers

And why do we need underlay? Well, take a look here, go on have a walk on it, this has no underlay, here is our medium one and here sir is our top underlay. It keeps the pile stiff and extends wear. True enough it felt better as I walked up and down a six foot bit of blue carpet in the middle of a carpet emporium but what was wrong with the underlay I already had?

Apparently underlay used to be made in the UK from old car tyres, a noble use for such a product but underlay today is more likely to be made of sponge with crumb rubber for high traffic areas, you can even buy underlay with, get this, a low tog rating. I want to walk on it not sleep under it. Apparently using things other than old car tyres is more ecological, personally I think reusing car tyres is just as ecological, what on earth would they use them for otherwise?

In America they once tried to use old tyres as a foundation for a highway, everything went fine until they spontaneously combusted and turned the highway into the equivalent of a roll of liquorice at least they behaved themselves when turned into comfy flooring.

Admittedly our underlay looked well sad and almost down to the paper it had shed so much rubber so we decided to replace it. You would not believe the amount of questions you have to answer, is it for heavy traffic?, Are you a wheelchair user? Do you have pets? Children? Shoe size? I made that last one up but I wouldn't have been surprised to have been asked it. Then comes the guilt, would you be happy with a bronze underlay or do you deserve the comfort of gold?

Frankly, when I have to answer underlay questions using an Olympic theme I think things have gone a little too far. What's below bronze? I asked hopefully.

Floorboards sir, we have nothing below bronze.

Oh.

So we eventually sorted out the underlay then went through the usual how much for fitting? When can you do it? And why do carpet places always have balloons outside and sell beds too? I wonder who first decided to say 'I know, I'll open a carpet shop up to sell the best floor coverings available, hmm, I need something else to entice people in, how about beds, yes, beds, they go together' As most carpets are usually layed at the same time as decorating wouldn't it have been more sensible to sell paint and wallpaper, after all you could then call yourself something like Wall2Floor, which sounds like what usually happens after a wee drinky.

If you wonder why there is a picture of a label on this page it's actually taken from our old underlay. I still don't understand it, why should the label be returned with any complaint when the label has nothing else on it apart from those instructions?

Answers on a postcard please I'm off for a lay down under our new underlay, apparently it's tog rating of 20 makes it feel like the finest eiderdown.

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