Armchair Cowboy

Meet Clint Stetson, the coolest armchair cowboy around these parts as we join him on a typical day.

'Yee-haw! ride em' cowboy!' Clint shouted as he mounted the back of his loyal armchair steed Dusty Cushion. Made from the sturdiest of foam and floral material Dusty had been Clint's faithful steed for many years and seen him through many life threatening situations including Clint's brush with Chief Wig Wam Thank You Mam and his tribe of broom carrying sofa squaws.

'Today Dusty we ride into Dodgem City and round up the on the dodge cattle rustler Bad Benny and get us some of that reward money'

Clint tilted his fifty gallon hat, whipped out his gun and shot out the table lamp then kicked in his spurs and bounced up and down on the stiff cushion until he had built up quite a sweat.

'Nearly there Dusty, look you can see the saloon from here, I can't wait for four fingers of red eye'. If Dusty could look he would have seen through the window the saloon and realised that Clint had rather poor eyesight. 'Curl Up And Dye' was a new beauty salon that had opened up opposite.

'Dang, this is hard work, how about we break camp here for a while Dusty and have some chuck, we need to be alert, this area is full of road agents.' Clint gets down from his stuffed mount and lays out a small striped blanket from his saddlebag. Opening up a tin of beans Clint looks around for a source of firewood, finding little in the arid desert of the room he smashes up his last wooden chair and lights it using some papers on his desk. Smoke billows around the room as the small campfire burns a hole in the floorboards. Clint's beans are soon bubbling away but visibility is getting poor.

'Dang Dusty, that's some damp wood, all this smoke will attract injuns, what we need a good whippety snippet of a wind. I'm going to climb that dang dare hill and see if we've been spotted.' Clambering onto a small occasional table Clint steps boldly onto his desk, with one hand shielding his eyes from the glaring light of the 100 watt bulb he scans the horizon just as the desk collapses under the weight of Clint in full western gear plunging him head first into the waste paper basket.

'Dusty! Dusty! Help! I've fell into a disused gold mine and its that dark I can't see!' Stumbling around the room Clint stubs his toe on the desk. 'Oh no! Dusty! Dusty! I'm a goner, I've been bitten by a rattler!'. Hopping around temporarily blinded and holding his foot Clint stumbles uncontrollably into the wall knocking himself backwards and landing heavily in front of Dusty Cushion. The waste paper basket, now dislodged, rolls away harmlessly.

After several unconscious minutes Clint awakes. 'You did it Dusty! You old faithful steed, I knew I could count on you. Did you find me from my calls and drag me out using your teeth? Good old Dusty.'

Just then a buzzing noise causes Clint to spin around and draw his gun, on instinct he fires a few shots only to find there's nothing there. 'I'm a bit jumpy Dusty, it must be the snake bite'

Bzzzzzzt.

'Doctor, are you ready for your next patient?'

Clint walks over to the desk and presses a button.

'Yes, nurse, just give me a few minutes please then send them in.'

'Ok, Doctor.'

'Dang Dusty, at this rate we will never get to Dogem but I'm not going out without a fight!'

Doctor Stetson tips over his desk to face the door, telling Dusty Cushion to take cover he lines up his ammunition and a few sticks of dynamite to wait for his first patient of the day.

Suddenly an explosion took out most of the door frame, Dr Benny rode in on Black Bessy, his trusty swivel chair on wheels, firing wildly at Dr Stetson. Dusty took a bullet and feathers sprayed into the air. Before Dr Stetson could return fire both their attentions were drawn to the charred door frame from where a 'awawawawawawa' noise was coming from.

Nurse Nightingale stepped out in full Indian gear, took aim with her bow and disarmed both doctors with two quickly fired arrows.

'Right you two, that's enough, no more cowboys and Indians. For god sake you are doctors and should be setting an example. After all it's Wednesday and as you well know it's astronaut day, here's your helmets and suits, this time don't walk so quickly Dr Stetson its unrealistic.'

THE END

Or is it?

I have just read that back to myself and at first glance I fear for my sanity.

 

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