Money has been with us a long time, it was invented way before fire and food and usually consisted of shaped stones similar to our pea gravel decorated with numbers denoting the value. I only know this because of all the props I have been gathering as I have been creating the new Lost Impossimals Bloodline collection, so today I thought I would share more interesting strange but true facts about cash.
The largest ever bank note was issued in 1324BC by the ruler Tutankhamen to pay for a conservatory to be built on the side of the great pyramids. It took three days to erect and was made out of uPVC and Argon filled double glazing but failed to take into account the high temperatures experienced in a desert so came without a roof vent. The heat was so intense and the structure so big that the sand underneath turned to molten glass and it floated away carving out the Nile until it fatally came to rest in Pompeii. Remains of the great molten conservatory tsunami can still be found there today in the grisly forms of residents encased in molten plastic, a bit like Han Solo and carbonite. Only with no Wookies.
In 1977 all school children throughout the land were issued with this stunning coin to celebrate the jubilee. It became law in 1978 that this coin must be carried at all times as proof of citizenship. Random searches were carried out with children forced to empty their satchels in the streets, any child not carrying the coin would be Immediately deported. To enforce the law all milk rations were taken from schools to harden kids up just in case they fell foul of the law and had to fend for themselves in a foreign land. The law was finally dropped in 2012 so you can now safely take the coin out of your wallet and place it somewhere safe.
When decimalisation came into force during 1971 there was often confusion on what exactly constitutes new money. Sixpence, worth 2.5p became the new 5p, feet became metres and lbs became kg which made it difficult to buy Bulbs as they were now called Bukgs.
Before 1939 a British pound note weighed exactly one pound which is where we get the expression 'pound for pound'. It was only after Reginald Winterbottom expired in a small puddle that the weight was reduced. The unfortunate gentleman was running to the bank when he tripped, the £136 in his top pocket was so heavy that he was unable to get up again. He was still there two days later only managing to struggle and remove £3 before it rained and he drowned.
Pound coins today are made of a special alloy that is radioactive, inside each one is an encoded transmitter that reports back its location every ten seconds. The government has an underground complex that monitors all these movement using large multi screen computer systems. You can always tell if the government is watching you at any given moment by using any vending or car park ticket machine that takes pound coins. If you coin gets rejected it's the government sending a signal to your coin, they want to delay you a little whilst they download your memory from the chip that was embedded in you during the vaccination jabs you had when you were young. Don't believe that you have an embedded chip? Then try this test, take any shell and put it up to your ear, the whooshing sound you hear is the low frequency hum of the power adapter located just inside your rectum.
The 1/2 pence piece used to buy two penny chews in 1973 now you would need 2,000,000 to buy a £10,000 car and it would take the car sales staff 23.14 days to count them at one every second. Banks love lots of change as it makes them feel special, take them all mixed up in assorted bags and you will be treated like a royal customer.
If you took all the one pence pieces in the world an put them end to end you would have a long line of pennies. Fact.
You can no longer spend a penny, using a public toilet now costs on average a whopping £1 for a pee and £2 for a number two with no refund if it was just passing wind with the creation of Lush Flush automated conveniences replacing local council run public toilets.
Finally, a new coin called the austerity coin will enter our currency next year, although the face value will show £3 it's only actually worth 25p in real money and comes with a promise that it will be worth less each and every year. To help keep this promise the government would like you all to know its working hard to give you less for more, will raise extra funds through the use of stealth taxes and take no responsibility whatsoever for anything unless of course you are genuinely in need, then of course we will step in and drain your bank account whilst raising the retirement age beyond your average life expectancy.
Looking after our pounds to keep you in pennies.
This has been a short history of currency bought to you by The British Coin Rubbers and Pound Strokers Association founded in 1967 for rubbers of coinage worldwide.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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