Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Freaky Fairy Tales


There once was an old man who lived in a very small house who through no fault of his own became so poor he had nothing to eat. One day there was a knock at his door and when he answered he found an old women covered in a shawl and clutching a small blue jug.

'Take it' she said, 'It has served me well and shall serve you too' she added before placing the jug on the floor and walking away. The old man tried to call out to the old woman but she ignored his cries. Puzzled he picked up the jug and placed it on his very old table, for everything was old in his small house. 'What is this?' he said to himself as he looked at the jug.

Suddenly the jug spoke, 'Itsma!' It said, 'Itsma! Itsma!' it carried on. The old man was amazed, a talking jug! What could it all mean? He picked up the jug, he could feel something inside the jug and tipped it up pouring out its contents.

Out slid a full sized Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. 'It's Magic!' shouted the diminutive magic man.

'Bloody hell' he exclaimed, 'Just my luck, it's a misery jug the sneaky old bat, as if I haven't got enough troubles.'

'Look Paul, I don't want any trouble, just take the jug and bugger off will you?' He added.

'Its magic!' Said Paul looking for approval from the none existent audience. Debbie stepped forward did a pirouette and pulled out a small empty fish bowl. Paul took the fish bowl, covered it with a handkerchief and with a flourish pulled it away to reveal a flash of flame and a bowl full of flowers.

Unfortunately due to the dilapidated condition of the old mans house the fire quickly took hold and burnt it to the ground.

'It's tragic!' said Paul gleefully.


Far, far away in a land like no other lived a beautiful princess in a high tower. Imprisoned many years earlier by an evil king for being the most beautiful princess in the land who refused the kings hand in marriage she lives out her days spinning the finest silk from spider webs. She could never leave the tower as it had no doors. The king sent her food and clothes and she a basket on a pully from the topmost window which she would lower down every morning.

Then one day as she sat spinning she noticed a small crack in one of the walls. She could not remember ever seeing the crack before, surely it was new. The princess approached curiously and peered in to the small crack. In the darkness she could see a small pair of eyes looking back. It was a mouse.

Instead of screaming the princess spoke, for that is what princesses do on these occasions.

'Come little mouse, I mean you no harm'

The little mouse shuffled forward into the light, his fur was the finest silk and his tail was made from a golden braid.

'You are the most handsomest mouse I have ever seen!' exclaimed the princess.

The most just looked back with a tear in its eye, for the mouse was no ordinary mouse, the mouse used to be the most handsomest prince in the kingdom until an evil king turned him into a mouse using a magic potion. The very same evil king that imprisoned the princess.

'Oh, we are both trapped here little mouse, what shall we do?' she said as she picked up the handsome mouse.

'Maybe you are a handsome prince turned into a mouse' she said. The mouse looked at the princess and started to cry.

'You are! You are a prince little mouse! Oh my!' said the princess excitedly, 'Maybe I can help! A kiss from a princess could break the spell and return you to your original form!'

The princess raised the handsome mouse to her lips and delicately kissed its cheek.

In a flash the mouse transformed into the most handsome prince the princess had ever met, unfortunately she transformed into a small ugly mouse.

'Thanks bitch' said the prince as he hopped out of the window for he was also a chauvinist pig with low moral values.


Wrongly imprisoned the shoemaker paced his small cell, he had been there for as long as he could remember with only bread and water to eat. He longed to leave the cell and happy memories of sunny days and children laughing haunted him daily. The only thing between him and his memories was the locked wooden door, many was the night he contemplated escape to right the wrong doings he had been accused of.

One morning he awoke on his straw bed, something was different in his cell for the wooden door was slightly open.

Not believing his eyes the shoemaker rubbed them, the door remained slightly open with a feint light piercing the darkness. Had the guards done it on purpose to test him? Was it an accident? His question was answered when from around the door peered a leprechaun that beckoned him to leave.

'Oh my!' Said the shoemaker, 'My prayers have been answered, thank you! thank you!' Shaking with excitement he approached the door slowly still not believing that it was open. The light coming from the door was so bright, so bright that as he left the cell his eyes needed to adjust after all those years in the darkness.

Oh the light! the sounds! He could hear children! Feel the sun! Slowly as he walked into the light his eyesight returned.

What he saw was so disgusting and twisted it would haunt him until his dying day. He ran back to his cell screaming, slamming the door behind him forever.

It was Skegness.

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