OFFICIAL ADVICE DURING THIS EXCEPTIONAL HEATWAVE
The Met Office has issued the following advice after forecasting a massive heat wave to hit the UK today and would like to clarify that when they said heat wave they really meant warm drizzle and over cast skies, sorry about that.
WARNING This IS Summer, no more warnings will be given. This years Summer will start at 11:30am on the 18th July and will last approximately three hours, Summer will end with thunderbolts and lightening. All very, very frightening.
KEEP COOL - Wear shades whenever possible and pretend to be the Fonz, say Heyyyyyyy a lot and give a thumbs up to strangers.
DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS - Beer is an excellent choice as it can be combined with barbecues and red meat during the sickie you pulled to enjoy the weather.
WEAR SUNSCREEN - Sunscreens can be made out of an old clothes horse and a blanket. Simply staple the blanket to the wooden frame, cut out two arm holes and slip it on. Choose a striped blanket for a slimmer look.
IMPORTANT - Now is the time to wear skimpy inappropriate clothes that expose far too much flesh.
THINGS TO NOTE - That strange light in the sky is called a sun, feel free to point it out to friends and strangers with a stick if you like. Do not stare directly into the Sun, it's a crap newspaper full of gossip and tits.
ADVICE FOR DOGS
Pant furiously and don't lick lamposts, they will be hot.
Drink plenty of water whilst making as bigger slobbering sound as possible.
Try to eat any water coming from a hosepipe.
Sleep in shade, poop in full sun for maximum aroma benefits preferably near humans eating.
ADVICE FOR CATS
Mewl a lot for attention, when you get it show them your butt and walk away.
Avoid milk, it may have gone off, instead stand beside your bowl meowing until you get attention. Once it's refilled ignore it and walk away.
Randomly run into a room and back out again to make them think you have sunstroke.
Meow for a stroke, when being stroked meow that special 'don't touch me I'm hot' meow and claw your stroker.
Hide in bushes and meow at strangers.
ADVICE FOR GIRAFFES
Keep out of the sun, you are closer to the sun than anyone else so wear a hat and glasses.
Beware of overheated lions.
ADVICE FOR CLOWNS
Stop being a clown you're not even funny.
ADVICE FOR COWBOYS
Keep hydrated with plenty of beans, use the resulting wind to cool each other down.
Advise town planners to make towns bigger so both of you can live there.
Saloon doors are for saloons, do not fit them to your house front door as they offer no protection from tumbleweed and outlaws.
ADVICE FOR TALENT SHOW WANNABEES
Rehearse your sob stories beforehand, nobody wants to hear an unrehearsed bit of misery.
Try to gain an injury before attending the auditions for extra sympathy.
ADVICE FOR BANKS, BUILDING SOCIETIES AND INSURANCE COMPANIES
Stop making me change my policies every few years when your products change and charging me for the privilege.
Smile when I come into a high street branch instead of looking like it's the end of the world and I'm an annoying inconvenience to your day.
ADVICE FOR TRADESMEN WHO VISIT MY HOUSE
It's not your house so stop lounging on my furniture and walking into rooms that are completely irrelevant to the job you are doing.
Everyone is not your mate that you will see later.
Be professional, don't tell me that you might get some work done today as long as there's nothing on Sky Sports.
I don't want to hear your exploits from the night before, I certainly don't want to hear the sordid bits either as you speak to your mates on your mobile.
ADVICE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't fix a complaint by doing something that gives mea bigger reason to complain again.
ADVICE FOR LIGHT AIRCRAFT
Don't circle my house for six hours whilst you build up your flight hours, you may find it fun but to us below it's like having a fly that you cannot swat that every five minutes uses a loudhailer to increase it's buzzing sound.
Twenty six planes directly overhead in one day is more than enough thankyou.
ADVICE FOR BLOG WRITERS
Always know when to stop.