Could you win Britains Got Talent? Are you the next dancing dog? The next Shadow theatre group to reduce the judges to tears? Take out handy quiz to find out just how much talent you have to show Britain.
1. Which statement describes your upbringing?
A) I had an happy childhood, went to school and still have my own teeth.
B) At the age of six I stole my first vehicle and took part in my second armed robbery. By nine I had put my name on the council house list for a five bedroom house for my ten children by eleven different partners. I have no teeth left apart from a few crooked shards at the front and I'm not afraid to talk about it.
C) I started stage school at six months and never looked back. I was tap dancing by the age of one and by three I could walk on my points, pirouette and shout for attention with ease. Singing lessons started at the age of four along with drama, dance, enunciation, deportment and songwriting. By the age of six I was wearing my first hair extensions and I had my teeth whitened.
D) At the age of six I realised I could fart in the bath.
2. How would you describe yourself to the judges?
A) A normal well balanced person with respect for others.
B) An habitual liar devoid of social skills.
C) Confident and good looking with the ability to outshine others.
D) A farter in the bathtub.
3. What special act would you show the judges?
A) I can sing a little but still feel a little under confident as I don't like to draw attention to myself due to my well balanced delicate upbringing that taught me to consider others.
B) Loads of stuff; pick pocketing, pimping, dealing, you know, street stuff and if they don't like it I can show those posh nonces a bit of five finger fun and smack them up a little.
C) I would tap dance onto the stage, tell a little joke then dazzle them with my breathtaking voice with a rendition of a Britney Spears song sung in an operatic voice whilst my dancing cat performs to commands. Obviously I would look fabulous and win.
D) Get in a bathtub and fart.
4. How would you take criticism from the judges?
A) Listen carefully and apologise for not meeting expectations. I would take everything on board what they said and return when I am ready.
B) Shout and shout again before leaping over the desk and smacking Simon. I'd walk off shouting abuse and return seconds later to throw an egg and stick two fingers up.
C) I would cry with emotion and add in the crucial fact that I was bought up in a council house with only dust to eat, my professional weeping can melt hearts.
D) Fart quietly.
5. It's the final, what do you do?
A) Try my best to impress, it's the taking part that matters.
B) Tell them all I will smash up their gaff if I don't win and shout obscenities at the audience whilst intimidating the other contestants.
C) Pretend to feint before I go on then dazzle them in my best dancing school dress and winning smile whilst I perform numbers from Cabaret. At the end I break down and weep, a concealed bar of soap rubbed into my eyes adds to the effect my puppy dog eyes have. My winning speech is already memorised.
D) Sit in a bathtub and fart.
Are you a winner?
What a loser you are. Being normal is freaky, start shouting and making bad life choices to give yourself a bit of experience you wimp, nobody likes a well balanced individual. Go work in an office or something as you're obviously not cut out for stardom. You are just a dreamer, get real.
Wow, you have got talent you are just aiming it in the wrong direction. Get yourself on the Jeremy Kyle Show, that's where all the action is, one appearance on there and you will be a YouTube sensation and may even get a leading role in Benefits Street. Being a workshy habitual criminal is EXACTLY what makes British television what it is today, celebrating bad individuals and talentless tanned tossers is where it's at, bad teeth are an asset, well done!
All that talent training has turned you into a plastic plaything with delusions of importance, the fake hair, eyelashes, makeup and false nails all add to the illusion. Congratulations you will go far, just find a bored documentary film crew to film your normal life and you too could join other talentless mops and be the next TOWIE or Geordie Shore star. Don't forget to act like a celebrity in everything you do and when you talk only use little words or 'lickle words' as you might say. Acting thick too will get you far with your looks. Well done, you've cracked stardom!
Winner! You have EXACTLY what the judges are looking for, a genuine talent. Go forth and fart your way to the Royal Variety performance! Bravo!
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