Monday, August 25, 2014

Bejazzle My Fedazzle

Was it in my dreams? Was I in a hotel bedroom? Distant noises and voices, the jazz music followed by applause. Muttered sentences barely audible on the edge of my hearing, giggling, singing, a good time.

I opened my eyes, it was 12:03am pitch black and I was in my own bed, the noise had stopped. In the half sleepy world my eyes started to close again, as they shut the music got louder reminding me of something I couldn't fully remember. The police helicopter thundered unexpectedly overhead and I shot bolt upright, so did Jayne.

'Did you hear that?' I said to a bleary eyed Jayne.

'Of course I bloody did!'

'No, not that, the music, did you hear it too?'

'What music? You must have been dreaming, go back to sleep!'

I tried, but everytime my eyes closed the music and talking returned, it was like being transported to a distant party where everyone was drinking, chatting and having fun. Then it occurred to me, I could only hear it in one ear and it seemed to be coming from the corner of the room. Fearing a family of mice were having a house party I got out of bed and scuttled around the bedroom on all fours (not the first time I hear you say) it proved frustratingly difficult to pinpoint until I happened to pass part of the security system we had installed many years ago. It was coming from inside the small grey box beside the bed!

Let me explain, I am not indeed going mad it was in fact AM radio interference from a badly shielded electromagnetic field. I know this from experiments with small crystal set radios in my childhood and the fact that I had some speakers that did the same thing. Atmospherics also play a large part and for some reason everything had been just right for a weak signal to break through and play jazz to me in a small tinny voice at midnight.

I had heard it before but always thought it was something I could just hear on the edge of my hearing that was some distance away, the difference this time was that although it was in a tinny voice I could make out all of the words. Also I hate free jazz. Randomly tinkling an instrument to make it wander around the notes like a drunk trying to walk straight doesn't do it for me, unstructured tootling on a wind instrument reminds me too much of being taught on how to blow a raspberry into a trombone in school music classes on an instrument that had already been passed around the spit of a hundred children.

So I now have an unrelocatable piece of security equipment that decides to torment me at random times during the night by playing a bit of free jazz whenever it feels the need to have a bit of a session as I think they call it. It's always around twelve'o'clock and occurs on random days. Has somebody erected a new Jazz transmitter and is sending out subliminal jazz messages to household equipment? Maybe it is a conspiracy to get us all to chill the flick out, all I know is that I'm sick of waking up to Miles Davis free jazzing up 'All Blues' and Jaynes sick of me suddenly sitting bolt upright doing jazz hands. It's a good job they are not playing Al Jolson and 'Mamee!' or there would be no boot polish left either.

How do I find this Jazzmitter? Are there any Free Jazz jammers on the market or am I condemned to endless trumpet playing and saxophone solos followed by a smooth presenter talking in a low voice something intelligible and using words like 'cat' and 'coolio'?

So today I have set up a free jazz detector, it's basically a homemade radio that I can swiftly scan the AM signals whenever I hear the jazz kick in to find out what channel it is or where it is coming from, it's the only thing that can save my sanity. Do you also suffer from Jazzpression and the negative effects of jazz song titles which seem to be the least thought out of any music scene? Take for example classics like 'Goodbye Pork Pie Hat' by Charles Mingus and 'Salt Peanuts' by Dizzy Gillespie, they seem to have a food obsession along with the equally obscure 'Struttin' With Some BBQ' by Louis Armstrong.

I know far too much about jazz, most of it crammed in my head subliminally whilst I sleep apparently. The only cure so far has been a pair of pink earmuffs which for some reason I had in my wardrobe. Jayne laughs when I wear them but it's me that laughing really as she steadily gets programmed into liking jazz.

So today's blog is a warning, check all your electrical equipment, when you wake up in the middle of the night for some unexplained reason with your hands outstretched shaking your wrists beware! You are being Jazznotised and you need to break the programming as soon as possible!

Wear earmuffs.

Keep a drumkit in your bedroom and if you feel the effects of Jazznosis bang them a couple of times to get a rhythm back in your head.

Do not be tempted to buy any brass wind instrument and keep away from all keyboards.

Bejazzle is an attempt to make you like jazz by starting off with something vaguely pleasant before degenerating into a jazzcophony, don't be fooled.

Avoid associated words like Bebop, smooth and improvisation.

If all the instruments sound like they haven't been tuned then that is free jazz, leave the room immediately before you get jazzed upon.

Above all if you find yourself unexpectedly listening to free jazz immediately take the jazzattack position and curl up in a small ball weeping uncontrollably until the freestyle barrage has ceased.

Today's blog has been partly funded by Free Us From Free Jazz Ltd and Say No To Jazmitters. For further information please contact your nearest representative.


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