Clowns, we have all seen them, we all hate them. They are a bloody menace with their red noses and comedy cars so we at the Clowns Pocket the only recognised clown eradication society has produced this guide to clown cleansing written by our esteemed leader Reginald Ballsworthy.
I'm Reginald Ballsworthy and I hate clowns. There, I have said what you were thinking. Clowns are a menace to society and undermine our victorian priniciples, just like the other annoying class of mime artists and street theatre. Access to clowns has become more prevelent with the internet, filters should be put in place to stop children seeing clowns accidentally, they are morally corrupting with their custard pie shots and squirting flowers. It makes me seethe, yes, seethe with morally corrupting fury at the unfettered access to clownography. In my day if wanted to see a clown fuelled custard pie POV I had to jolly well pay for it.
KNOW YOUR CLOWN
Clowns have red noses, that is true. You know why they have red noses? Because they are all drunkards probably the smiling clots. Anyway, should you see someone with a red nose then punch them HARD in the goolies. Their nose should pop off and you can add it to your trophy drawer.
Examine any noses you manage to secure, you may get lucky and find a makers mark such as M.Ade Inchina or M.Ade Intaiwan, both are prolific clown nose manufacturers and any clues like this can help in tracking down their elusive factory.
To successfully cripple a clown and remove a nose you should emply the ancient art of Tai Klown Do, the specially crafted violent moves to take down a mirth making individual. Don't by dazzled by the strange and colourful garb of the clown, it is made to deceive. For example any attempt to stamp on their feet will be thwarted as clowns feet rarely reach the end of their shoes, however standing on the end can disable their ability to run and turn them into a useful punchbag.
Using Fig A a quick karate chop to the windpipe will come as a surprise, rush around the back to Fig B and knee them squarely in the back. This disables the spine momentarily allowing you to mount them as in Fig C. Move your hips back and forward in a thrusting motion to loosen the nose or until you are spent. Beware! In Fig D we see a clown reversal, whilst performing your mounting action they may attempt to get you to ride them higher by holding on to your arms. If is occurs let them finish, afterwards they will be exhausted and you can kick them in the goolies without concern.
Here are four ways to grab or punch a nose. The delivery method bottom left shows a swift punch that will disable the nasal passage of the clownee whilst the top swing bottom right promotes a swipe action that batters the clown to the floor with a run up.
Should all else fail pull out your gun and shoot them. Clowns will need at least three blasts from an Elephant Rifle to go down completely, even then they may still retaliate with a car horn or squirty flowers.
Here we see Major Roger McButtocks taking down and entire troupe using a trusty magnum six shooter after first unleashing a volley of rifles from his anti-clown regiment after discovering a big top in the adjacent field to his home. This cannot be tolerated, those clown types are a bad influence and often lead to petty annoyance like children's entertainers and poor magicians so should be moved on or taken out as soon as possible. We are not all lucky enough to have an army willing to remove such a menace so it is wise to always have a man trap baited with a cream pie in the garden at all times.
Occasionally you may come across animals that have inadvertantly got a clown nose stuck to their own, these too should be taken out at any opportunity. Here we have a Clownodile surprising Major Burns, arm your manservant on all expeditions to avoid surprises.
I hope you are suitably informed on the menace of clowns. Do not fraternise with clowns, if you suspect your children have been exposed to clowns then contact us immediately and we will beat it out of them.
Symptoms of clown exposure include
Giggles, a penchant to wear coloured clothes, excessive use of makeup, an annoying car horn sound, the doors fall off your precious motor when you start the engine, you find shoes in your house with a size larger than 22 and they exaggerate all movements to the point of being excessive. You find deceitful buckets full of confetti hidden away and all the squirty cream has vanished from the fridge along with the paper plates.
What to do next
Set up a small tent in the garden and add a sign that says Big Top This Way. As they enter seal all the exits and give us a call, we will be around in minutes with a couple of cricket bats to sort it out in a humane way.
Thankyou for your patience, remember Born Free, Clown Free.
Britain needs Lerts.