K9P

Oh no, what happened? I was promised tours to the moon, moving sidewalks, domed cities underneath the sea and even promised a faithful robotic sidekick just like K9 from Dr Who when I grew up. I was eight years old when a teacher decided to predict the future and fill my mind with mystery and misery. As I sat cross legged with my fellow pupils I listened with open mouth at the marvels that we were to behold. This was before home computers, before mobile phones, before CD's and MP3's, even at home we had not long upgraded to a colour television and coloured disco lighting, the most complex thing I had used was an abacus and none of my friends wore branded clothes or owned anything more complex in their bedrooms other than maybe a radio or if you were lucky a cassette player.

So as I sat and listened my mind wandered, wow, I would be REALLY old in 2015, absolutely ancient in fact but on the plus side I would eat a pill for a meal and live to be 200, this teacher really knew their stuff I thought.

Imagine my dismay this 2015 when I got out of bed this morning and ate a pill, not for a complete meal but to make up for the lack of vitamins in most flaccid food items available today, found out that the closest I'm going to get to the moon is looking at it in a puddle and opened my iPad to find this... (yes, something did come true with smartpads although the the teacher described it as a personal data assistant and medical aid which could also add 2+2 and spell 53I8008 should you wish to turn it upside down)

Pizza scissors.

I'll let that sink in a little, scissors for pizza.

Forty years waiting for dreams to come true and I get a foot long tool to cut fast food.

I may hasten to add that the same teacher also made grim predictions that added to my neurotic young brain, first that all fuel will run out by 2000 but it wouldn't matter as nuclear destruction would destroy all life in 1999 anyway, secondly robots would put us all out of jobs in the 90's no matter what education you receive and finally the most dreaded information possible that I could receive; that I would be playing an Indian squaw in the school play.

I did indeed play the squaw, pigtails and all. That unfortunately did come true.

But what happened to my robotic canine assistant? Well, that kinda sucked too as he popped up on my Facebook newsfeed last night. History has not been kind to K9...

Poor K9, reduced to a franking machine, how the mighty have fallen. Chin up, at least you didn't have to strip down to your pants, wear a black wig and dance around a tissue paper camp fire with a rubber tomahawk like I did.

Last night.

Oh my.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bob Sombreros Tomorrow's World

It's that time of year again when good ole'Bob gets out his magical sombrero and casts his eye to the future with remarkable clarity. Remember last year when I said that the eighties fashion was coming back, well, dang if I wasn't right, what with all the crazy crap clothes in the stores you can be unfashionable for the second time. So here's my predictions for 2014, don't say I didn't warn yawl!

Man gyms are the next big thing, forget all that pumpkin' and start manning up you pathetic whelp. With fisticuffs, perambulators and medicine balls you will be slapping the maids and smoking in front of the ladies before you know it. Each man gym comes with a world domination map allowing you to decide which country to insult or invade next.

In April a new craze will sweep the country, Bratwurst Boyancy Aids. For new swimmers this will be a boon as they can take to the water in complete safety wrapped in meat based floating aids. Here we see the Little Piddlington Channel Swimming Club about to embark on a swim to the Amazon wearing nothing but the incredible Bratwurst-Bouy, new from Rontel.

Indoor entertainment gets an upgrade with a new We add on, called the We Cyclet, get ready to pump those muscles and watch in true 3D as your on screen cyclist blasts away on a realistic velodrome. This will be on every kids wish list this Christmas we confidently predict.

A cheaper version is available for kids without friends called 'On Yer Bike'

Or why not try the new Floatabike, seamlessly travels from road to water without the need for a swimsuit. Using the latest in dome plastic technology you can skip all the traffic and cycle a river! No experience necessary, only 1s 23d from all good water bike specialists.

The first rule of Catfight club is not to bitch or gossip about Catfight club.

In shock news all pet parlours will be merged with hairdressers after legislation by the governement. There will be a new rate of VAT of 50% charged on these premises to offset the lost of revenue from big corporations paying little to no tax. In further changes charges will be levied on dog kennels and rabbit hutches as they are integrated into the bedroom tax and stones will be issued to every UK citizen to see what they can squeeze from them.

Rover unveiled its new in car telephone system complete with telephone exchange in the boot. It will eliminate the need for calling a switchboard and asking Mavis for 7162 Chattanooga by using a innovative new invention called a 'dialler'. Personally we think its a gimmick and still stand by semaphore as a more effective method but for novelty value we give it our thumbs up.

So the future is bright kiddywinkies, this is Bob Sombrero signing off with a big Yeehaw to you all and remember if it's not Bob it's not the future, you can depend on it.

(C) 1923 Bob Sombrero Almanac

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals