It was over breakfast Monday morning that the series of weird events started to unfold. This weekend was the two day showcase event called the Spring Launch from my publisher Washington Green, essentially all the artists show their latest creations to a plethora of galleries who descend on the ICC in Birmingham and we all have a jolly good time.
They day before had been very busy and ended with a memorable night on the twenty fifth floor for a Christmas party, we went to bed happy if slightly wobbly.
The next morning though it was time to do it all again, like Groundhog Day we had breakfast, got ready for the show and started to pack our cases to check out. Only this time I noticed a small drawer in the centre of the table that I had not explored. Normally I check out every thing, sometimes to breaking point but I had overlooked this one and full of excitement expected to pull it open and find a free shoe mitt. I found pants and a small pair of ladies socks.
What do you do? Obviously I was intrigued and disgusted at the same time, intrigued that these two items appeared together in one drawer, disgusted that they looked, how shall I say it, used? Not used but placed in a manner that they may have been removed in a hurry. The socks however were scrunched into a ball. How did they end up sharing a drawer? The pants looked quite big and of the Y-front variety (I used a pencil to turn them over CSI style) whilst the socks were tiny (I used a pencil and a shoe horn to find out) images of a burly businessman indulging his fetish of wearing ladies socks entered my mind and The pants slid off the end of the pencil and onto my foot.
No,No! NO!!
Jayne found me hopping about semi naked with a shoe horn and a pencil, it took some explaining I can tell you. We checked out after creating a mystery, the pants we left enticingly peering from the top of the wardrobe whilst the socks were used as novelty feet for the cushion monster we left on the bed, it even had towel arms and eyes made from soap.
The car was a short walk away and we popped the case in the boot and seeing it was a little early decided to sit inside for a few minutes before going to the show. It was locked. No, really, it was locked. No amount of key pressing would budge it. Both electronic keys just caused it to make a small whine and I'm sure a huff, it was not happy.
So we missed the final day. Two and a half hours in a car park waiting for the recovery vehicle that couldn't find me because I didn't have a phone signal in the undercover car park and couldn't drive in because his van was too tall only to find that the engine management system had been working overtime and drained the battery. We finally got the car open manually and one jump start later the engine started, the only problem was that if we stopped, although the battery was in full working order the management system drained it quite rapidly. There was only one alternative and that was to get it into a garage, gloomily we proceeded to drive back to our dealership waving our day goodbye.
So if you were passing the Mailbox in Birmingham around 12:40pm yesterday you would have found me parked outside, bonnet up, shaking my head along with the guy from the RAC and watching pound signs flittering away into the air. Sorry if I didn't wave back.
Anyway, the blogs not about that, it's about things I find, I'm like a crap Bagpuss, I find things and quite possibly break them or make them do things they don't want to.
Take this for example, one of those magnifying mirrors that make you look really ugly in HD, great for makeup I'd imagine, although I tend to smudge my lipstick, even better for turning them into a search light. At the right angle you can shine nearby lights onto other things. Cool.
They are a bit crap for taking phone pictures for Facebook profiles though. This was my best duck face but the magnification missed me completely. It was awesome too.
Beware, hotels are now putting in these novelty microphone units in the shower, I was singing away to Tom Jones and Sex Bomb when I decided to do his trademark swing the mic between your legs when it went off. I now know what Apollo thirteen felt like when it launched. It's not very often you get pressure washed there, you have been warned.
I deduced that this was a spy camera skilfully placed at either side of the bed to create those sexy tape things you see on the Interwebspace. I pointed them up to the ceiling before I removed any items of clothing.
The free water tasted off though, I made sure by drinking all four bottles but, yes, it didn't taste like tap water.
I'm glad they included this although I fear it may be inaccurate, we have water at home that is cold so to generalise that water is hot is maybe a little foolish.
That concludes my weekend, a fun day, a strange night, a pair of pants, a van that was too big, a poorly car, a garage bill and finally as I sit typing this, snow, further scuppering our plans for today.
It's been a strange old week, I wonder if I can make it any stranger?
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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