Thursday, June 27, 2013

Wombledonny Fever

The nations gripped by Wimbledon, the tip tapping of loose balls accompanied by rampant shouting and skimpy clothes has everyone talking. it don't feel left out, relive being a tennis superstar with the Wombledonny board game completely free in today's blog.

Cut out and keep the board, use household items as counters, all you need is a spare dice or get a friend to randomly shout out numbers between one and six when poked with a stick. That's all you need to play this thrilling game.

Roll a six to start and follow the rules for each square handily listed below.

1. You start your career playing ping pong but you are destined for bigger things, miss one turn whilst you ponder your future.

2. Mistakenly you end up on Wimbledon Common instead of Wimbledon, spend the next turn picking up litter and talking to Tobermory about Madame Cholet.

3. It's your first match at Wimbledon, unfortunately Cliff Richard starts a sing song for attention. Miss a turn whilst your ears bleed to Summer Holiday or throw a three to hire an assassin to take him out when he reaches the words 'no more worries for me or you'. Take that Cliff.

4. You miss an unfeasibly easy lob shot and show off lavishly in front of the crowds pointing occasionally with your racket until the chap in the big deck chair tells you off. Shout 'I don't believe it!' and remain in a huff for one turn.

5. You run for a dropped volley and slip on the wet grass. It's immediately denied that the grass is wet by the organisers and you have to sign a disclaimer. You are carried off with a broken pelvis to join seven other casualties of the day and speak with a injuries4u lawyer.

6. In a new twist to the game every match the tennis net is raised higher and higher. It reaches six feet and you foolishly decide to leap over it after winning your match. Using your racket as a make shift pole vault you achieve it to rapturous applause. Advance one square in celebration.

7. You slide on the unslippy grass, it takes you all the way back to 4.

8. It's your second match of the day but you slip in the changing room. The blow to your head makes you believe you are Great Uncle Bulgaria and you pick up a satchel to start rummaging through rubbish bins. Eventually you are found on Wimbledon Common trying to squeeze into a rabbit hole you believe is your home. It takes two days to uncross your eyes, miss two turns.

9. New balls please! A staggeringly high speed serve hits you squarely in the stumps, miss a turn to catch your breath then scream loudly and rub them vigorously. Not that vigorously, miss another turn whilst you have a cold shower.

10. It's close, was it in or out? Throw even to move forward one square, odd throws move back one.

11. You have reached the semi finals but you are British so completely muff it up and go crashing out in flames. Spend the next year crashing out of all major tennis events until they name a hill after you.

12. It's the night before the final, you party hard, really, really hard. You are found the next day head first in a urinal, your tennis whites have a slightly yellow tinge and your arm is broken after a womble riot broke out in the nightclub earlier. In shame you bomb back to 9 and try again next year.

13. Yay! You have done it, you have won Wimbledon. Hang on, what colour are the soles of your tennis shoes? Pink? Sorry, that's an immediate ban, we have a whites only policy. You are stripped of your win and made to teach tennis to spotty kids in an infant school, a mint is named after your shame. Sorry, your British we can't possibly let you win. Unless you throw a six, in that case you do win and we don't strip you of the title, instead we harp on about your win for the next billion years just like the 1966 World Cup, endlessly referring back to it in naff twee songs and foolishly building up our hopes every time it's on. Congratulations.

If you have made it this far, well done, you sir are a Wombledonny champion!

 

No comments: