* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablais and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.
MONDAY
8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****
Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Godess Barely Merry contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent.
6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **
Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare.
TUESDAY
7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****
Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.
WEDNESDAY
7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************
Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that's about it really.
9:00pm FILM Mastercheffy Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake
When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!
SATURDAY
10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2*****
Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal
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