A.I. - Artificial Idiot

In an unknown location stands a robot, built by unknown hands it remained switched off for many years until struck by lightening it awoke and announced 'I am therefore I kid thee not', mankind was no longer alone...

Welcome sir or madam, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic chip. Ask me one question for I know the answer puny weak person of unknown gender.

'Err, ok, what did I have for tea last night?'

'Seriously?'

'Yes, bet you don't know that.'

'Judging by the look of you it was probably a burger porky, either that or you have swallowed a beach ball. When you first walked in I thought you were twins. Bet you use gravy in the shower instead of shampoo. Next, don't let the door slap your fat ass on the way out.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic pedantic chip. Ask me one question for I always know the answer.

'What is the point in penguins?'

Click! PEDANTIC CHIP INITIATED

'Quite frankly that's not a real question is it, it actually says more about your state of mind and your negativity regarding penguins. A more reasonable question would have been what is the point in living which is along the lines of what is the meaning of life, neither can be answered with any certainty as every individual lives a different life with a unique beginning and end. Anyway in answer to your question...'

Click! SARCASM CHIP PROMOTED TO CPU

'...penguins control the spin of the earth, their body shape allows them to be made of the densest material on the planet and their incredible body weight pins down the Arctic slowing the rotation of the earth. At night they remove their beaks and moonlight as bowling pins around the world. Their swimming ability is unmatched and can attain speeds of 365mph underwater and punch holes in submarines if they collide. Submarines and larger ships are now routinely fitted with Ponar, a penguin sonar to spot speeding penguins and thus avoid collisions. The last known penguin collision occurred in 1912, a 254mph King Peguin bounced off an iceberg and smashed through the hull of the Titanic with great loss of life. An eyewitness at the time who was stood with arms outstretched on the front of the ship saw the penguin speed towards them, hit and skim away like a stone. Next.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, raa, raa, raa. Ask me one question blah, blah, blah, you get it by now.

'If I take the genes of a monkey and transplant them into a human what kind of hybrid would I get?'

'Hmmm, now that's a question. You would get a Muman, they would have large foreheads, eyebrows that touch in the middle and poor dress sense. They would be found at bars and clubs every Friday and Saturday nights wiv their mates luckin for a laff. They tawk lik dis and has bling. In the wild they wear baggy pants, sports wear, baseball caps and trainers, often they can be seen in groups leaving pasty shops smoking a fag. Should you see one of these Muman's in the street avoid at all costs as their hideous cackling laugh and poor command of the English language can make your ears bleed, a sort of chav medusa. Next.'

Bzzzzt, LEVEL INCREASED TO 78

'Why are carrots orange and lemons yellow?'

'Arse'

'?'

'Arse jelly. Next.'

Bzzzt, LEVEL DECREASED TO ZERO

'Why do flowers come in so many different colours?'

'I dig the question man, I ask myself the same question, flowers are like groovy. Have you ever watched the birds pop clouds? They know the secret of flying man, cool. Next question man.'

Click, SCOOBY CHIP ON

'How do we eradicate world hunger?'

'Ruh-roh, Raggy. What Scoob? Like let's do what we do best and eat. Zoinks! Next.'

Click, MR-T SOFTWARE...RUN

'What is the fastest plane in the world?'

'Plane? Hey sucka, shut up crazy fool, I ain't gettin on no plane. Ain't never gonna be no Mr T, I have fools to pity and jibba-jabba to challenge. I pity the next fool.'

Bzzzt, BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD SUBROUTINE STARTED

'How come dogs have four legs but we have two?'

'Uh, they said 'but' Beavis. Thinking sucks. Beavis you monkeyspank. Shut up fart knocker! Come to Beavis.'

By popular demand the most intelligent machine in the universe was switched off when it's POPE chip scrambled its contents with the BERNARD MANNING CPU offending millions world wide with its rendition of the Aristocrats joke.

As a final message to mankind it left a plastic turd with the written instructions to pour boiling water on it for extra steamy realism courtesy of the CARRY ON CHIP.

 

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