Strictly Halloween Special

Brucie reveals for the first time that the versatile entertainer is the victim of a major haunting at his new million pound mansion and it's driving him to the brink of sanity. 'Strictly Come Dancing give me chance to forget about all the strange goings on, it's only when I return at night that my nightmare starts' said Brucie yesterday. For Brucie is haunted by what experts are calling a catastrophic materialisation of felinity, a full blown spectral emission that causes Brucies new mansion to be visited by cats.

Brucie seen here stood outside his mansion looked petrified when we spoke to him and with good reason for when we developed this picture it revealed a menacing figure looking on from the roof, a spectral tabbykitten, one of the most evil of spirit cat apparitions. Brucie ran inside terrified shortly after this and immediately tripped over his golf bag. Looking shocked we spoke to him later in his lavish lounge.

But as we spoke Brucie turned white and out of the corner of my eye I spied a Polterpussy as it seemingly levitated from the floor and onto the arm of the chair in a strange leaping levitation that has scientists baffled. 'Were totally baffled' said a leading scientist yesterday. Brucie passed out and could only be revived when a young lady rubbed his face with her chest.

As Brucie recovered in his lavish bedroom he told us 'This is where the magic happens' then slowly a 17th century moggie wearing a cravat materialised on the bed, over Brucies shoulder a hairless tom cat loomed into view and a litter of killer kittens shot out from under the bed causing Brucie to run screaming only to lock himself in the lavish bathroom. A ghostly meow was heard from under the door, we burst in and found this.

Two of the cat apparitions were going for Brucies wig, only quick thinking from our crew and Brucies use of strong glue saved him from a rug disaster. Brucie ran from the house and has not been seen since Monday. The mystery of Brucie and his haunted mansion remain that, a mystery. Strange yowling and mewing has been reported late at night, it is still uncertain if Brucie will make this weekends Strictly, we will keep you posted.

Be safe this Halloween and if by any chance you hear a meow from an empty room hold on to your wig, you never know what's out there.

Don't have nightmares!

Yes I know its a cop-out blog post but I have a sniffle and I need all my strength for this weekends appearance at Treeby & Bolton in Keswick this Saturday between 12-3pm, hope to see you there!

Suck It And See

Hi, my name is Baron Ivan Tobite Urneck and if like me you look a little rough in the morning have you ever thought it might be down to vampires? Yes, they really do exist and no, they don't twinkle or make sickly movies, a real vampire keeps their identity secret but there are some tell tale signs you can check for in your own home before you accidentally go out and bite a virgins neck.

Number one give away, red eyes. A dead cert that you are a VAMPIRE! red eyes are due to excessive blood from gorging on a victims neck, either that or you are a hopeless drunk that is ready for a quick 'nip'. Check for the bodies of victims around the house, if none are found then sorry you are just a hopeless lush.

Ever wondered why every photograph you have taken of yourself in the mirror with a smartphone has never come out right? It's because you are a VAMPIRE! I suggest removing all mirrors and bulb shaped vegetables from the kitchen cupboards, wear gloves if necessary. You have also probably noticed that if you spend long periods out in full sun you start to go red, this is a warning sign that you are about to burst into flames, vampires hate sunlight. It's been known for vampires unaware of this condition to spontaneously explode when using sun beds, stay away from all tanning equipment. Contrary to popular belief you will not shimmer in sunlight no matter what people say, ever, period.

Check your teeth, only one of the above is correct. If you have two canine teeth that look vaguely pointy then yes, you have been bitten at some point in your life and you are turning into a VAMPIRE! Stock up with snacks like raw meat and black pudding. However if you have teeth like B then you are probably called Cleetus and live in a pick up truck. Stay away from people with D teeth, they are a piano and should not be played with.

Check your date of birth, if you are more than a hundred and twelve years old and can remember Julius Caesar and your neighbour Ug who invented fire then you are definitely a VAMPIRE! Occasionally people of this age are not, if your one of them and you are not a vampire you are an INCONTINENT!

Now that we have confirmed you are a VAMPIRE, you need to know your steak from your stake. Use the above cut out and keep chart to identify food or fear. If anyone approaches you with a hammer immediately hiss at them, turn into either a bat or a wolf and fly or run away. To avoid suspicion at work start to wear a cape, you will find it handy to conceal your victims and it looks stylish in today's fashion led world. You may need to change your working hours to suit your new vampire status. Choose your friends wisely, that Mr Blade sat across from you in the canteen may not be as friendly as he seems. Real vampires don't drink animal blood, leave that to the movies, how many have you seen chowing down on a golden retriever? I'll answer that for you, none, it's just too silly to think about.

Being a vampire should not inhibit your life, look at the above selection of well known faces, how many of them are vampires?

All of them! Roger Moore used to have a steady supply of nubile young ladies led to his trailer during the filming of The Man With The Golden Gun to satisfy his hunger, how do I know this? Well, he shared the film with Scaramanga played by Christopher Lee, a real life vampire who famously played a vampire to dispel rumours he was a vampire. Incidentally the word Scaramanga is a biopularlaris ambiguation meaning VAMPIRE. Not a lot of people know that.

Jack Nicholson (top right) played a Werewolf in a film, Alfred Hitchcock made scary films and Charles Bronson made the Death Wish series, a series title that held true to his vampire living. See the connection? It's clear that there has been a massive Hollywood coverup on the far reaching effects of vampirism.

Did you know eight in ten people like the taste of blood so much they eat RED MEAT and BURGERS to satisfy their taste, another sure sign they are a VAMPIRE! Even supermarkets have capitalised on this bit of information and sell RED UNCOOKED MEAT so vampires can buy REAL BODY MEAT to satisfy bloodlust when not on the prowl. Vegetarian vampires are also catered for with Quorn sausages, Quorn is the old Moldavian word for VAMPIRE MEAT probably. If you look carefully they even sell BLOOD disguised as tomato juice, that's why it's called a BLOODY MARY when you add it to vodka, it's an acknowledgement that the JUICE is HUMAN JUICE squeezed from the necks of fresh MARY'S.

So today when you are at work try and discover who is a vampire, check their lunch box, walk around with a mirror or a sun lamp, you might surprise yourself, it could be your friend, your wife or even you!

Don't have nightmares...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Who Ya Gonna Call?

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Mysteries Of The Skies

After the startling revelations with yesterday's ground breaking supernatural slot today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?

'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'

Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.

'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'

No Arthur.

'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'

Yes? tell us about it.

It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say We Come In Peace but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'

'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'

Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.

Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahs, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?

'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'

No, what happened after that?

'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'

What?

'Aliens had taken over my television again.'

Really? How did you know?

They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'

Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!

Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Believe

Boo! Bet that scared you! Ghosts, are they real? Today's blog deals with the serious issue of the spirit world and we are joined by special guest the famous ghost hunter Derek Accordian. Used to creeping around neighbourhoods at night dressed in black even though he has a restraining order against him Derek is no stranger to the unexplained isn't that right Derek?

'Yes, I remember once when I was at the Fox & Crown, a public house from the 1850's where I had been on the trail of the phantom of the optics, a trail that involved me trying them all out to discover if there was any difference in taste only to find myself plunged into the unknown as I left the pub around 1:30am. I strode outside and suddenly loss control of my movements, it was as if a spirit had entered me and was controlling me from within. Even my speech became affected and I found I was swearing at lamp posts and cars. Further research the next day uncovered information that the Fox & Crown used to be a notorious drinking establishment famous for a heavy drinker called Simon The Sot, who apparently according to the records used to get, and I quote, 'blinde drunk and spoken foul wordes until he fell asleep'. He was found drowned one morning upside down in a horse trough with his trousers around his ankles, a likely candidate to return and haunt the living. I can only assume that Simon The Sot had entered one of the optics and I unknowingly drank him causing my possession.'

Very interesting Derek, do you have any tips for aspiring Ghost Hunters? I see you have bought a handy list of useful items...

One question Derek, graphite for fingerprints? Do ghosts leave fingerprints?

'Yes, it's a well known fact. I first discovered this whilst trapped in the toilets at the Lucky Sailor, a pub I frequented. The toilet cubicle was supposed to be haunted by unpleasant odours and strange sounds so I was investigating. Moments before I entered the cubicle I detected a frightening aroma coming from inside so I yanked the door open only to see something dark disappearing down the toilet. I felt its presence immediately and the aroma clung to my clothes, in fact it took several washes to remove it. Anyway since I knew the spirit had just manifested itself I decided to look for signs that it had been there. Only I had touched the flush handle so out came the graphite and lo and behold there were hundreds of sets of fingerprints, one of which must be the ghost. Spooky stuff.'

What about spirit photography Derek, do you believe that we can capture a ghost on film?

'Of course, what I am about to show you has never been see before, it's conclusive proof that ghosts exist. I must warn you now the photograph is quite shocking and horrific, it was taken in a bedroom of a normal council house where the residents had been haunted by the ghost of a retired barber called Mr Clipper. He used to trim them in their sleep and mysterious pots of brylcreme used to appear along with small pieces of hair trapped in the bath sponges. The family were terrified they may wake up one morning with a bob or worse still a mullet. For a full blown manifestation to be caught on camera like this required patience. I stayed with the family for seven months until I was thrown out after snapping this conclusive proof.

Remember, once seen, never forgotten, it's horrendous, a twisted old man brandishing a lethal looking pair of scissors. Shortly after taking this I fainted and woke up with a short back and sides.'

Conclusive proof I'm sure you will agree. I rest my case, ghosts are real. Don't have nightmares!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal